Autism and Intentional Living: Improving Household Culture

Autism in the Adult

Do you want to live with more intention to achieve your goals? In this 5th episode in a series on Intentional Living, Dr. Regan identifies ways to improve household interactions by attending to the needs of the group and establishing traditions and structured activities.

Dr. Regan's Resources

Book: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed

Audiobook

Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors

Autism in the Adult website homepage

Website Resources for Clinicians

Read the transcript here:

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Hi,

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everyone.

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This is Doctor Regan joining you for an episode of Autism in the Adult podcast.

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I'm the mom of a teen on the spectrum.

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I have a doctorate in neuropsychology.

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It's the field of brain behavior relationships.

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And I'm the director of an autism diagnostic clinic for adolescents,

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adults and aging adults in Central Illinois.

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Today,

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you're joining me for the fifth episode in a series about living with intention making goals,

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shifting in areas of life to get you closer to where you would like to be.

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So there were two episodes about how to choose an area of life to target and how to approach change with some specific goals and strategies.

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We had episodes about improving regulation and about communicating and connecting.

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So today we have an episode focused on household living and the culture of the household.

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Now,

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before we dive into the topic for today,

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I want to invite you to check out the resources on my website at adult in geriatric autism dot com.

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There are posts and videos for many different types of listeners and learners including clinicians.

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Also,

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you may find one of my books helpful,

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many of you know,

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that my first book called Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults is in the second edition.

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And if you don't know,

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I have a second book called Understanding Autistic Behaviors,

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which is more of a workbook format.

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So it explains the neurology ... kind of the neurologic-why of some of the behavioral patterns.

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And it outlines ways to work toward increased well-being if someone's in a season of struggle.

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So let's focus on household living.

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So I want to highlight this topic because many people talk to me about the complexities of living in a household with other people.

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Most often this has to do with spouses or partners or with couples who have Children.

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Not only is the individual trying to increase their own self awareness.

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You know,

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this is how I'm wired,

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this is what makes me tick,

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this is what I need.

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But in a household,

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this is really next level awareness because there's now this demand to be aware of yourself,

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multiple other people and the interplay between all of the people.

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And on top of that,

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the needs and interplay change from day to day and from life,

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season to life season.

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It's so so easy to default to this kind of household interaction.

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Stop doing that.

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Why are you doing that?

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I've told you 100 times to X Y Z.

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Oh my gosh,

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you are so loud,

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messy clingy and guess what this focus on telling people to be different every day is just not that effective.

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And that's why we find ourselves saying the same things every day over and over.

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And not only that,

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but these repetitive interactions cause a strain on the relationships in the household.

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And they create this kind of adversarial connection rather than a partnering connection.

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So the big message is I want you to be different now rather than I want to partner with you to make things better,

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better for you,

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better for me and better for the household.

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So let's talk about some specific areas of focus and strategy that might help.

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The first thing we're gonna talk about is focus on the other.

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Now,

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during the previous episode,

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we talked about the importance of expanding our awareness from only what do I need right now,

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which actually can be difficult to figure out to what does the other person need right now.

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And when we add that element,

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we can get away from this push and pull of,

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stop doing that to oh,

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things might be able to go smoother in this area.

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I wonder what the need is that's connected with that behavior and how could I support change?

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So as we're talking about households,

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this concept of focus on the other then becomes expanded and that makes things a little more complex but also much more important and potentially really helpful,

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especially if this becomes the culture of the household,

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meaning that this is how we do things it becomes more automatic.

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It becomes something that everyone's focusing on as best they can.

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Let's imagine that a gentleman who's on the autism spectrum is also a dad and a husband and he's coming home from work after what's been a really draining and complex day,

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he's had work demands but also lots of other layers of unexpected changes in his schedule,

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detours on the route home.

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There were lots of sensory overload moments and a disagreement with a work colleague.

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So he comes home and mom who is home with three kids is not on the spectrum,

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but she does have sensory processing sensitivities,

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stickiness,

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and kids hanging on her and noise.

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And she's getting to the point that that has been really overwhelming today.

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She is home with three kids.

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A daughter who is eight has been home from school with the stomach flu but is feeling better and is now running around the house in her tutu singing and spinning and waving her magic wand around an autistic son who is 11,

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is melting down while doing his math homework.

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And another son is 15 and is playing loud music in his room with the door shut.

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So the first approach,

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the one that is our most typical go to may look like this.

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Dad walks in.

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Mom is yelling at her two youngest kids to be quiet.

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She's juggling hot food in the kitchen while trying to get food ready for dinner.

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The youngest daughter runs up to dad and wants to show off her tutu and her magic wand.

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And dad hears the loud music coming from upstairs and mom is thinking,

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thank goodness he is home.

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I need some help.

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I need some relief and dad is thinking I can't wait to get out of here and go for my bike ride.

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So mom and dad get in a fight about how he comes home and goes off by himself and she's been there all day,

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et cetera.

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So dad feels the pressure to make things right.

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He yells at his oldest son saying,

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why don't you turn off your music and come down and help your mother.

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And he yells at the middle son and says that math really isn't that hard and he should stop crying.

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We all get that right like we are at the end of our rope and we just want to make the chaos stop and calm down and we want other people to do their part.

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Let's think about a second approach.

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This is increased awareness that all of these people have really legitimate needs and a realization that there needs to be a way to figure out what they are and then to try to work together to do something.

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Mom is overwhelmed with sensory inputs.

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She's drained from the whole day of being the only adult at home,

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which means that she has been the go to person for everyone's needs in the household.

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So she needs quiet alone time.

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She needs compliments,

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she needs support.

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The youngest daughter suddenly feeling better.

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She needs to run off some of her nonsick energy and be recognized as someone who's beautiful and magical with her wand.

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The middle son has also been very drained from the day.

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He gets overwhelmed with the social and sensory environment at school and he has a math learning disability.

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So he has gone from a draining environment to a draining environment and he's doing a task that he just knows he can't have success with.

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He's unable to get his bearings to calm,

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to reenter,

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he needs some regulation help.

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The oldest son is feeling the angst of being a teen and this comes with easy irritation thinking his parents don't know anything and the loud music releases some of his irritability.

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It establishes his identity as his own person.

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So that is a lot.

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In this case,

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it often helps to have some type of planned huddle uh between the couple or with the family about what is the status right now and what do you need?

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The huddle is just a coming together to talk briefly about what are we gonna do next?

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What's going on and what are we gonna do?

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The status is really high chaos for everyone in this family right now.

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And sometimes families make up kind of humorous labels for levels of chaos or crisis.

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One family might use a color code where a code red is the most chaos or sometimes a movie related code where the most chaos is the Lord of the Rings scene where the orcs come.

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The status could also be a factual description.

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Bad day at work,

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really drained or bad day at home,

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really drained.

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And I'm at my breaking point at the highest level of chaos.

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Both mom and dad really need alone time.

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Now,

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what do the kids need?

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Well,

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you may have a quick family huddle,

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what do you need?

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Or the parents may have a sense already of what the kids would probably need to regulate and regroup.

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One helpful thing in this scenario might look like the following.

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Dad could go on his bike ride but also take the 11 year old son who's on the autism spectrum on the ride as well.

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They both really feel better after they get some pressure input,

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that's proprioceptive input and movement input,

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vestibular input.

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You can see our episode about sensory inputs for regulation.

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And this is why the bike ride is so important.

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If we tell dad not to go on the bike ride because the house is in chaos,

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he's not going to be able to regulate himself.

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So we want a dad who comes back,

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regulated centered calm.

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Um not at,

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at the breaking point.

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This bike ride also gives time for their mind to settle and it's a kind of together activity where they actually don't have to talk So it's the thing they like to do and we're together,

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but we don't have to say anything and that's very calming and regulating for them.

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Perhaps in this scenario,

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mom chooses a bubble bath with headphones and music and gives the 15 year old a task to keep him busy and to acknowledge his independence.

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So there's a small corner store about three blocks away and she gives him $15 to walk to the corner store and to take the eight year old,

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the eight year old can spin and sing and walk with her wand and he gets to choose whatever he wants for,

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quote dessert for the family.

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He chooses lots of movie candy like now and laters,

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Mike and Ike and Swedish fish.

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And he lets his sister pick out a Princess Pez dispenser.

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Then they walk home,

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mom's done with their bath.

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Dad and son are home and this is a regrouping time that acknowledges as many people's needs as possible.

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And then there can be a huddle at that point about how the rest of the night might go.

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But we at least want to problem solve when as many people as possible are more centered and less close to the breaking point.

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So this focus and strategy is uh really pinpointing what other people need people in the household.

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And it uses the huddle concept to come together and make a plan.

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So it's a quick coming together.

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It's not like a family meeting,

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where we talk through things,

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it's what's going on and what do we need to do.

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Now,

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we all know that this doesn't make everything easy,

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but it often makes things better and it creates partnerships within the household rather than really strained relationships.

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Let's look at another approach to household culture.

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So the second one is focusing on tradition and structure in order to interact,

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individuals with autistic neurology,

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often prefer structured topic based activities rather than hanging out or sharing about their day or sharing about feelings.

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These are typically more enjoyable to them than just unstructured together time.

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It might involve harnessing their knowledge about something that they love.

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And once you know who in the family really likes this kind of interaction.

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And you can say,

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I know this is what we enjoy best.

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This awareness can help increase the number of nice family memories or interactions.

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So for example,

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let's take a family um who likes to socially connect at the dinner table by sharing about their day,

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how the practice went,

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how their soccer game?

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Did uh did your friend feel good about their science project?

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How is your boss's husband doing since his surgery,

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et cetera?

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In contrast to another family with neurodiversity,

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now,

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they may prefer something more structured and less about how people felt or responded,

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less open ended or broad questions about the day.

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So what might that look like?

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This family might start a tradition at the dinner table where they each share an interesting fact that they learned that day.

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So perhaps the eight year old learned that most fish don't have eyelids.

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The 15 year old learned that on average,

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every person on earth owns 86 Lego Bricks.

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Let's look at another example.

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Let's take a spouse.

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We're looking at a woman who feels dissatisfied because her husband doesn't engage in conversations during times like car rides or while at a restaurant and waiting on their meal.

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She's realized though that they can have a really good social interaction if it's structured about a topic.

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She's also noticed that they have a good time interacting if they take online quizzes or play trivia together during these times.

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So the passenger in the car can ask the driver trivia questions and then they can switch and she notices that they really end up laughing,

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they learn new things.

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It works out well.

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It's actually a really connecting time,

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uh much better than the silence of sitting together without interacting.

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Let's take a third family.

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This family has teens and it's been struggling because the kids are a bit more moody than they were as youngsters and they're too old for some of the things that they used to do as a family when they were younger.

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You know,

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they don't like going to the zoo anymore.

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This family realized that structuring some traditions for activities has worked better than small talk.

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Like how with school they might have a Friday night tradition of board games and pizza or they might rotate,

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who gets to pick the Friday night activity.

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One teen may pick a movie and chooses the snacks next week,

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another chooses a board game and challenges kids against parents.

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And the next week mom chooses a Lock Drew mystery for the family to solve together.

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So this approach harnesses the fact that individuals with autistic neurology may really enjoy each other within the context of some structure,

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topic and activity rather than these loose connecting moments or open ended questions like how is your day and what's going on in your life.

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There's so much that goes into the culture of a household.

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But these two tips of helping people get their needs met and coming together with structure and topic focused activities can be part of what helps shift things in a good direction for many families and it really protects those partnering kinds of relationships.

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Thank you for joining me today to talk about households and families,

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protecting the wellness of our family.

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Connections can help us feel more supported and resilient overall.

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And next time we will round out this series by focusing on adding meaning and growth to areas of special interest.

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I hope you can join me then.