Success Story: How This Woman Got Her Dismissive Avoidant Ex Back Using Attachment Theory

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

I had the pleasure of interviewing Regina, one of our latest Success Stories for the podcast and learned a ton about the importance of patience.

What struck me as particularly interesting about her was that she got her ex back over seven months ago (as of the writing of this excerpt.) Yet, she didn’t really post in the community about her success until her ex actually said the three little words we all long to hear.

I love you!

Only then did she consider her success story an actual success. It really goes to show the amount of patience we are dealing with in this amazing woman.

Enjoy our conversation!

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Podcast Transcript

Chris Seiter 00:00
All right, today we’re back with a really interesting success story, we are going to be talking to Regina here, who’s going to take us through start to finish her situation, she ended up posting in the community, what, like last week or something. But what’s interesting is she didn’t have like, usually when you see these success stories, they’re like really long write ups, hers was kind of short. But one thing stuck out to me. I believe the breakup was in 2021. And you didn’t really get them back until maybe like a year, a year and a half later. So we’re here to kind of explore the journey that it took that that whole process took you on. But thanks for coming on. And doing this. I really appreciate it.

Regina 00:46
Yeah, not a problem. I mean, it’s my honor to get to share with you and you know, as thank you for helping me get to, you know, reach my goal and my relationship with my, my partner, my potato is you will?

Chris Seiter 01:00
Yeah, what was it? You said from spud to stud? Yeah.

Regina 01:07
I used to just remind myself of that, through this whole process to like, you know, I’m worth something. So I really do need to start, and if he’s not going to be it, then that’s okay. But, you know, here we are. So,

Chris Seiter 01:19
it just took a while to get them there that

Regina 01:23
did, that’s okay. And me too. You know, it’s, it’s a journey for both of us together. And in order for it to work, we both have to be on the same page. So I was also a huge journey for me. And I think that for me, it was what, what led me to here. And where I am today is the steps that that you showed, and the little processes that you have throughout the program really helped me view it from a different perspective that I haven’t seen before and even thought about for myself. So it was really valuable. So it really, it really did change my mindset, and then my ability to like proceed not only myself, but relationship from a different standpoint. So it was really great for me.

Chris Seiter 02:02
Well, thanks so much. Obviously, more of this is the ego stroke that I needed. But why don’t we actually go to the dark days the like, going back a couple of years, you guys break up? Why don’t you take us like from your journey from the get go?

Regina 02:17
Yeah, so we were actually in a very, like nonchalant kind of relationship for about eight months prior to the breakup. So I mean, we were exclusive, but it was, you know, just more like friends that hung out. And we’re a little bit of intimate, but you know, not so much a deep connection. And, you know, I come from a place where I have a lot of children, and they’re all teenagers. So I was married for a long time over a decade. I’m not, you know, I don’t want all that crazy marriage and things like my idea of a good really done that. Yeah, so like, I just want to focus on my children and being a good mom. And, you know, if I have a partner that’s willing to step in and help here and there, like, just be a part of that, that’s great for me, but you know, I don’t I don’t want that intertwined relationship again. And so when we first David, I would try and like reiterate that to him, because that’s not what he wants, either. So I feel like he was really scared because he started to get deep feelings for me, and then thinking, hey, maybe she’s gonna change her mind. So he broke up with me. Very sad. He, he broke my heart a little bit. And I was completely faded. I mean, I, I was hurting.

Chris Seiter 03:34
Okay, so what was his reasoning in the breakup talk to actually end the relationship with you.

Regina 03:42
Um, he told me that I was the perfect woman for him. I was absolutely amazing. And every aspect, you know, I, he’s like, You are absolutely perfect, but you deserve better than me. Because I don’t think I can give you marriage. And I don’t want to give you any more kids and things like that. And I don’t want to live with somebody. And I was just like, but I didn’t like, what,

Chris Seiter 04:07
I didn’t ask for that. So it’s

Regina 04:10
awkward. It’s just a part of my language is just like, okay, so I was like, it’s gotta be something else. Like, there’s no way that’s what it is. So, I was like, you know, whatever. You know, it really hurts. But, you know, if it’s meant to be it’ll, it’ll be meant to be, you know, and I just looked at her and I said, you know, what, what happens when you decide that this isn’t what you really want? And he was like, I don’t think I’ll change my mind. And I said, I’m pretty sure you will. But I wish you the best. And I left it at that. And then I cried for about four days, and I didn’t leave my room. It’s really bad. very heartbreaking.

Chris Seiter 04:48
And at any point during those four days of locking yourself in the room and crying, do you at least start going to YouTube or Google and start scrolling? At what point do you kind of like a I want to explore how to fix this.

Regina 05:02
I think it was like, it was like the last day and I was just so in my own head and just in my own just sadness. And, you know, I always strive, and I pride myself in the fact where I go by, you know, if you can’t change it yourself, then you can’t really complain about it, like, do something. So I was like, What am I doing just whining and crying, like, I’m gonna do something like, I can fix that, like, there’s something I can take from this. So what am I going to learn? How am I going to fix this? Like, I know him and I are meant to be together, like in my soul, like, there’s just this connection that I just couldn’t ignore, like, I have had my heart broken a million times, and I never really, it never bothered me, but for whatever reason this one did. And so I was like, there’s a reason for that. And I need to figure out what that is. So I was looking on Facebook, I was looking on YouTube, I was reading books, and like, all the things like me, you know, like, he’s just not that into you. And, you know, like the bitches guide to revenge that had some good points, you know, and like, you know, and so I was like, Well, it’s kind of be a me problem. And, you know, and then I stumbled upon a couple of podcasts that had your program in it. And it was, you know, I mean, in your basis is, you know, get the guy back, you don’t get that partner back. And while that’s like a really good goal, and that’s like the motivating cause, I could see in just the way you described your program, and the steps, and the empowerment that you offer people to like, really think about it differently. I’ve really, that’s what really, ultimately drew me to your program. And so I did a little bit more research. And I watched, like, probably every single video, I could find a view on YouTube. Like,

Chris Seiter 06:48
went back to the old ones, or I’m just like reading off a script and like trying, and I don’t have the fancy microphones and everything. You went back that far.

Regina 06:57
I like all the way back to like, 2001 when we were still in high school, you know? Like, I just aged myself, but anyway. Yeah, so I found that and then I signed up immediately. And then I just dove right in, I just ran into the materials. I was like, Okay, I gotta figure this out. And then it broke my heart to learn that I had to cut contact off for 45 days. Yeah, so I was like, no contact, I’ve never done that before. Like, I usually just leave it what is it is what it is, and if they like want to hang out or whatever, and be friends, whatever, no big deal. But I just for whatever reason I couldn’t do this, I knew I had to do something different this time. So I painstakingly did the 45 days of no contact. And it was brutal. But I kept a lot to myself, I just found myself again, like you said, you know, you got to go back out there and become the ungettable person that they’re gonna miss. You know, and that’s really empowering when you go from a place of feeling unworthy to taking that feeling and those emotions and then creating self empowerment out of, you know, things you enjoy. And that is such good medicine for your self worth and your being. And people really don’t. Like they really underestimate the power of just self care. You know, even on the basic level, like going for a walk, like, Hey, I’m going for my daily walk with my dog, you know, and that’s the kind of stuff I would post because I love my puppy. She’s cute. Yeah, she is. So those are the things I would do, you know, when I was helping with my, my job at the time, and helping build entrepreneurs up at the at the time. So, you know, I was giving myself to other people while also trying to work on myself and that, in conjunction really helped my own person. So I was able to just become more confident with myself and know that I don’t need somebody to tell me that you know, I love you because you’re here for me or you do this for me like I’m solid on my own and you can either join and appreciate all the great things that I have vowed offer us not only human but as a partner. But also you know, I I’ll be fine without you if you don’t want to. It’s okay. You know, and I think that was the one thing that really made his mind switch. Because after that 30 days and I the 45 I don’t remember exactly how many I did. I think I responded to a text of his or something to get our stuff back. So I had to start over because I was like I wanted to show him my golf swing. It’s great. When I restarted it wasn’t a big deal. You know, and I it’s hard as it was I just completely blocked him out of my mind. I didn’t look at his social media. I didn’t look at his work website because he owns his own business. Like I say it out of his circle. We have a couple of mutual friends. I didn’t, I didn’t intervene. I didn’t ask about him. I just kind of cut them off, you know? And I just wanted him to see, okay, you don’t want me to be a part of your life? Well, this is what that looks like. This is me not being your life. You know, just like you said that you wanted it. Here you are. So after that 45 days, or whatever I was, it was hard for me to come up with like that first reach out hook. That’s what really difficult for a lot of people. Yeah, nice, like a lot in your comments. So that’s a big question like, What do I

Chris Seiter 10:43
Yeah, it’s still it’s still is, I can’t tell you like every day as I’m going through the community and answering, like, I’ll spend like 30 minutes a day just answering people I’ve been trying this year at least to be better about that interacting, doing more Facebook Lives and stuff. But I’m always like, it’s always a text thing. Like, there’s always one question in there. Like, I don’t know how to do the text. So I’m kind of curious. How did you how did you handle it?

Regina 11:09
I mulled it over for quite a while. Three days, and there was a lot of questions on the Facebook community about hey, how does this sound? Can I work like this? This is my backdrop. But I know the one thing he’s really, really geeked out about, and that’s board games. And yeah, I come from a really big nerdy family to like board games

Chris Seiter 11:33
is right up my alley. Yeah. So I was like,

Regina 11:37
it couldn’t he owns like a million. And we’ve played a million and I’m on a million games. So it’s like I had to be good. So I was like, Okay, well, I knew I had to be up his alley, and that he couldn’t resist. And I you know, it’s kind of like a pickup line, almost, but a personal pickup line, because you know them essentially. So that was kind of my angle. I was like, I have to give them a bite. He can’t resist. So

Chris Seiter 12:01
So what was the board game that he chose? I didn’t choose

Regina 12:05
one. I put it in his hand. So it’s made it even better.

Chris Seiter 12:09
So what was the exact text? You remember?

Regina 12:11
I asked him, I said, Hey, I could use some help from the resident expert. I was like, I’m in a pickle, I need I need I need an expert. I was like, it’s my turn to pick a fun game for our group game night over at my friend’s house. We do game night, once a week. So which he knew. And it’s

Chris Seiter 12:30
kind of an ungettable activity that you can kind of really weave in,

Regina 12:34
like, I’m going to do me things. Yeah, I could

Chris Seiter 12:37
help me out with it a bit.

Regina 12:43
So I was like, you know, I need a fun game. That’s good for this group. And you know, we’ve played all the other fun games, so I gotta bring a new one. What what is what do you recommend? And then he just opened up the floodgates he gave me like, 30 games. And then he was like, Well, what kind of people are they? He was asking me a million questions, like, Are there new people who’s all gonna be there? And I was very, very close. Like, I was very short and sweet. And just try to keep it about the game so that he didn’t get any more information because he was kind of trying to peek. Yeah, like, gonna be there now.

Chris Seiter 13:19
Or is this a day is is that more romantic? Meet up with them? Well

Regina 13:23
see, I wanted to make sure it was clear that it wasn’t a date. So he threatened because he was very close. Not just like,

Chris Seiter 13:34
avoidant, when it came to that, like, he would just sort of go inward instead of Yes. Got it. Yeah,

Regina 13:39
definitely avoid it. So like, I knew I couldn’t do like jealousy posts and things like that, because he’s very sensitive that way, and that would have hurt his heart. So I didn’t do any of that. I just kind of I kept it at just, you know, I’m gonna be the best version of me and you’re gonna see what my life is like without you in it. And so I did.

Chris Seiter 13:59
Well, you kind of gave him a glimpse into game night and he’s missing his favorite activity which board game so it kind of works out.

Regina 14:06
So you know, and the reading about the like, your emotional. Like if you’re dismissive, dismissive, avoidant, and like, yeah, the

Chris Seiter 14:16
attachment styles, the anxious avoidant, fearful secure.

Regina 14:22
Yeah, that was really helpful information, not only for myself, but when I thought about potato as his own person and what his journey has been up to this point to where we’re together. So if I can understand a little bit about where those wounds come from, it was a lot easier for me to be a better partner for him. Yeah, and just like, kind of just I kind of just showed him very nonchalantly, like, I am a good partner for you. I care enough about you to want to like make it be safe, and like let you open up in an organic way. You know, well, yeah,

Chris Seiter 15:01
it’s sort of like you’re learning to speak his language. Like, if you come at it from me even a secure standpoint, sometimes secure. Most people are not aware of the attachment style stuff. So when you kind of explain it to them, it’s like, Oh, that makes sense. But you have to kind of learn with fearful avoidance, like when you need to nurture the anxious side, versus when you need to pull back with dismissive avoidance, you just kind of need to accept, gotta pull back, give him some space, it’s sort of like speaking their language. And they, they really appreciate that. And that kind of gets them to come out of their shell. So it seems like you just kind of figured that.

Regina 15:35
It was very difficult, but I was like, you know, if I really love him the way that I feel like I love him, then I it’s only fair that I am as gentle as possible. And like coming from that place of understanding as much as I can without him like opening up because that’s difficult for somebody who’s a dismissive avoidant, like, they don’t want to talk about anything. And it’s very difficult for them to feel that safe. So I just really wanted to get him that, you know, and just be like, Hey, I’m gonna, I’m gonna be here. But if you if you decide no, then no, you know, and with using those tools, our timeline was drawn out because I didn’t I, I let go of the end picture. Like, for me, I don’t want to get married, I already have children that are grown. And I’m not looking for that part of my life to be fulfilled again, either. So as far as like, the end goal for me, it was basically just are we going to be able to rebuild a solid foundation for when all that’s gone? You know, when there’s no more kids? And when there’s, we’re just looking at retirement and we’re alone all the time? Like, is that going to be enough? Like, well, we care enough about each other. So for me, that’s once I let go of all the other pressure moving in together, I need a baby daddy, and he realized it. Also, that’s really kind of like the turning point for us when we were like, Okay, so like, we can just define our own relationship, and then build this looks like and not really care about what the outside world or our families are, like, why aren’t you getting married and moving in? Like, well, we don’t care.

Chris Seiter 17:18
If you really think about it, it kind of is perfect, because dismissive avoidance, if he is, indeed just a dismissive, avoidant, then any kind of marriage, kids that kind of loss of independence would freak him out. And you are kind of just making yourself the least threatening type person to him, which is certainly a drawl. So yeah, I’m actually thinking that just kind of helped you. But it’s interesting, because if you go back to your breakup, he mentioned. Like, I’m not, you know, I can’t give you what you want. I can’t give you marriage. So it’s almost like he didn’t believe you. At first that you, which is really interesting to me.

Regina 18:03
Yeah, well, and I get it, especially from his point of view, because I’m a single mom, and I have five children. And

Chris Seiter 18:14
I got two and that’s already like,

Regina 18:17
now put yourself in the position of being the male role model for that, that female and then also feeling obligated to help care for her children. I mean, it’s a lot of pressure. Yeah, it is. It’s a lot of pressure for a man in this kind of dynamic and what the majority of the females in our time right now like what they expect from their male partner, you know, to be cared for, and like they want them to take care of everything and I’m just not that person. You know, if

Chris Seiter 18:51
you’re, if you’re no damsel in distress, you’ve kind of know you’ve kind of figured it out that you can play a good damsel in distress with your game. Nice stuff. Yeah. Nice keys. Yeah, right. So obviously, this first text works extremely well. We kind of skipped ahead to kind of the the reconnection. Yeah, like, what was that? What was that? I guess how it worked with like, you getting back together and him opening up and what was that? Like?

Regina 19:25
It was very tedious and strenuous? Like mentally it was very hard for me because I knew I was in this program, right? But nobody else around me knows that like, this is what I’m doing. So like, No, I didn’t tell a soul like none of my kids knew and like me and my girls are we’re pretty close. So like I didn’t tell us so none of my sisters nothing nobody did

Chris Seiter 19:51
you have you still have you told them now are coming out video type

Regina 19:58
apparently. Yeah, so I didn’t tell anybody. So it was kind of lonely and but I just really wanted to make sure that it was authentic. So, and also, I’m working on myself at this time too, because, you know, I’m not a perfect human and obviously if you if he soft was with me and I have continuously have the same issue with partners saying the same thing to me, I just don’t see anything long term. And I’m like, but like, am I not, I’m not being I’m not showing you that what I’m saying is matching. So I’m telling you, I don’t want to get married, but then my actions aren’t exactly matching, because I’m a little needy and a single mom of five, you know, I’m lonely. I’m an extrovert I, I like quality time. So like, it can seem a little bit like a stage three clinger. When really, it’s just that emotional connection I’m looking for, I don’t need that physical, we need to be together all the time. It’s just that deep emotional connection is what I want. So, you know, I knew it was going to be difficult, but I just, I kept pushing and being patient. So after that, first reach out, he gave me lots of good insights. And then I caught him off, you know, I did the hook line and then disappear. So I was like, I’ll go game night getting ready out the door, I’m out. And then I didn’t talk to him again, for like another week. I like just let it go. Like, and he’s very much a fearful avoidant, and detached. So our timeline, a lot of that is because I wanted to give him the space he really needed. I mean, when, when we were in a relationship, and he’d be like, you know, I’m kind of having difficulty. And he did this a few times. And he needed like, four or five days to just think about what was going on, and then like, evaluate our relationship internally. And so I’d have to give him that space, because he deserved it, you know, I’m not going to harp on him, he needs to fight, you’re gonna have it, you know. So I just really tried to remember that, you know, it’s not about everybody else is like, Oh, two day three day with their tide theory. And I was like, Well, I have to adjust my tie theory to a relationship. Yes, you guys are talking about two, three days or like, wait an hour, and then hook them. But if I go by that, I’m gonna sink my own ship. And

Chris Seiter 22:21
such an excellent point. And this is, this is between you and I, it’s something that gets on my nerves. So obviously, I wrote all this stuff up, I created it, tested it and everything. But people seem to think my word is like the word of God. And it’s not, you know, the one thing I’m very clear about is you need to adjust everything to your situation. And like you rightfully did that, you know, you knew like, this isn’t the way it’s written is not going to work for me. And my situation might work for you and your situation, but you adjusted it, and it seemed like it. But obviously, things heat up again. So are you just saying it’s kind of like this, this like, he’s hot one minute, and then kind of needs that space, or you just worked at into it with the foreknowledge that it was going to be that way.

Regina 23:07
I just kind of worked into it knowing it was going to be that way. Like I knew he was going to be very hot and cold. I mean, we’re both very independent people. So like, we don’t need to talk every day. And like, even when we were in a committed relationship, we would go two days without texting or calling or seeing each other. And it was not a big deal. Like it’s just how we roll. We’re both very busy. We both work strange hours, I have a lot of kids. So like, there’s always like that. It’s like, what your time is filled? Yeah. Is three days, you know? So like, I don’t I don’t get worked up over. Like he didn’t call me today. I don’t care. I didn’t call you either. I’m busy. I’m sure you walk, you know. So it’s like, our dynamic is just that way. So I had to adjust all of those tools to fit into that. And so for me, it was sometimes difficult asking people for advice, like, Hey, I’m right here at this point. You know, like, when I had a big fumble, and this was like, 10 months later. So the first reach out was in October. He had broken up with me. That may

Chris Seiter 24:16
2021, October 2021.

Regina 24:19
Oh, yeah. And then the first reach out was like, I believe I said July, somewhere. Yeah. late July. And then I it was maybe one text a week between the two of us here

Chris Seiter 24:32
and they’re just very slow. Go.

Regina 24:35
Hook, I’d ask them a question. And then I leave it at that. Or like for Halloween, I sent him a funny meme. And that was just like, Hey, happy Halloween. I know what’s your favorite holiday? So I just wanted to be like, Hey, I saw this and thought of you. This is so fun. Remember when we were going on this when we went Halloween, blah, blah, blah. And that was a good time. And he was a cat. That was a good time and then we left it at that. And then he would he started at that point he started out asking me questions. And I kept it very, like, oh, gotta go, I’m in the meeting, I gotta go, I gotta be out of town. I’m traveling this week. And you know, entrepreneurs shit I got sorry,

Chris Seiter 25:12
no, you’re good, you’re good.

Regina 25:17
You know, and I was traveling a lot at work at that time helping all the entrepreneurs and building that ecosystem for early stage founders. So I was all over the state all the time. So it was very easy for me to be, hey, I’m being super ug, I’m meeting all these new people. And like, I know you actually

Chris Seiter 25:34
were doing that stuff. So you didn’t have to make it up.

Regina 25:38
That really helps, you know, because I don’t have to be threatening, and I’m not looking to date. And I didn’t really date I went on a few dates, just because that’s what you’re supposed to do. When I was like, Well, I have to go on a few dates just to make sure. Like, I really want to make sure that this is what I want. And if I’m still thinking about, if I’m feeling okay to think about somebody else, then I know this isn’t my right path. And I should just move on. But that wasn’t the case. Every time I was on a date, I couldn’t just I just felt guilty. And I was like this, this doesn’t feel right. I feel like I feel like I’m cheating. But I’m not

Chris Seiter 26:12
really common. Yeah, I mean, I find going well, I mean, I find people go on dates have like one of two reactions, either they really love it. And like, Oh, this is great. Someone’s actually treating me like nicely, or the vast majority hate it. And they do feel exactly like they’re cheating, even though they’re not.

Regina 26:31
Yeah, like, and I knew it was okay. But I just felt like I wasn’t doing my long term goal, any justice. If like, you could pretend my goal as a person over here, I was like, sorry, I’m letting you down, man. I got the slide. So we did a lot of texting. And then he started reaching out more to me. And like, you had asked me more questions. And he’d be like, do you want to go for a walk? And I was like, yeah, we can go for a walk, that’s fine. I could probably fit you in, you know, I’ll take the ducks together and walk around the lake and stuff. So we would do that. Maybe twice. We did that and then fall hit. And. And then I was like, Oh, it’s too cold for me. And he has a business in Florida. So he went there for for a few months. And then he was on his way home. And he was driving. And he had found out terrible news that his family member had passed away. And he was very close with. And I was the first person he thought to call. And so he called me and asked me to come and be with him. He’s like, I really just need a friend. I don’t want to be alone. And I was like, Well, I can’t say no, even though everybody in ERP was like, no rules. And I was like, but it’s been 10 months. Yeah, I mean, like, this isn’t like two weeks ago, like we’ve been there. And you know, and if I’m supposed to, like, be there, even though I know he’s not dating anybody, like I’m gonna be there for him. So I met up with him. And I took him out to dinner, and we just hung out. And then I had you know, I was just like, whatever you need. I know you don’t want to be alone, but like, whatever you need, like we’ll do it. Like, do you want to get drunk? Do you want to like hang out, you want to go bowling, you want to just go crying, be a puddle, whatever, I’m here. I don’t know how to do this. You know, so I was just there for him. And we ended up he just wanted to get some drinks and get a little bit drunk and just forget about it. And I was like, Okay, I’ll be your sober cab. I mean, okay, got it, I can do this. I let him just do his thing and brought him back to his house. And then he just kind of broke down at that point. And so he asked me not to leave and I ended up just we just held each other and fell asleep and then things happened in the middle of the night that you know, we’re fine. He I don’t need to divulge too much more. I think you get I think

Chris Seiter 29:05
we can we can take the context clues and figure that out.

Regina 29:09
Yeah. So then then, I felt so guilty because I was like, This is not what I wanted. Like we got an even talked about a relationship or anything like we were just hanging out and he was so vulnerable. And it was really the first time he had like, emotionally opened up and really connected with me on like that super deep level like, and like that I needed. And it was that for me. It was super. But that was like a really big turning point for me. And I also think it was for him because he had never been able to open up like that and just share those feelings. So that just kind of turned the point and you know, I gave him a space I left before he even woke up the next day because I was like, oh like I go poof and I’m gone. That’s actually

Chris Seiter 30:01
one of your smartest moves. Because like, technically speaking, you’re not supposed to sleep with your ex before you have that relationship. But things happen if you do, the best thing you can do is make it feel to them. Like it didn’t mean as much to you as it probably really did. And I feel like you leaving sort of did that. The other thing that’s kind of interesting to me about this is I’m wondering if the death of that friend or family member caused him to look at his own life and realize some of the threats and like not wanting to regret, like not trying or seeing things through with you? And that’s what sort of spurred him to have these emotional conversations with you just food for thought.

Regina 30:48
Fast forward, that is actually accurate. Yeah, we have talked.

Chris Seiter 30:53
Yes, right.

Regina 30:55
That’s exactly what he was just in that was the first like really close family member death that he had ever experienced in his life. And it was his grandfather, and they were very close. So for him, so that just it didn’t it just and he was on his way home, and he still had like 13 hours to drive alone, after just finding this out. So he had a lot of time on his hands to just think

Chris Seiter 31:16
you think in your your sort of wanting to live your life without any regrets. You know, Regina comes up to your mind.

Regina 31:28
Yeah, so yeah, that was that was, I think the biggest turning point for both of us. And then after that, he just, he kind of started pursuing me. And I didn’t have to do any, anything at that point. Other than just continue to be me and be fulfilling, hang out with my friends. And he just kept wanting to, like, absorb more of me and more of my time. And he just, I don’t know, there was a switch and I, I gave him a space. And I mirrored him a lot. And that for was really difficult to for me because I’m like the person who’s like, if you text me, I’m going to text you back, you know, or like, I will reach out to you like, Hey, I haven’t talked to you in a minute what’s going on? Are you okay? I’m gonna check on you. So that was hard for me to like, when he didn’t text me for a few days, then I have to leave him be, you know, I still use that in our relationship. Now, it’s super helpful to not let them feel like I’m overbearing, because I can be and that’s okay. I’m an emotional, like, exuberant, vibrant person, so I can totally understand also,

Chris Seiter 32:37
like, you seem pretty normal to me. I’m actually kind of curious how you handled the intimacy aspect of it. So you guys did stuff that night, you left, which I think was probably a really smart move. Did you at any point feel like, oh, I need to do what I can to avoid Friends with Benefits type of a type of scenario or situation? How did you handle that?

Regina 33:02
Absolutely. Um, it was very difficult for me. Because A, I was like, head over heels with this man. So that was very difficult to have to, like, come up with enough courage to tell him like, this is not gonna fight for me. So I waited like about four days before I even tie like, didn’t talk to him at all. I just avoided the whole situation for three days.

Chris Seiter 33:30
Like I said, brilliant stroke, that no, you probably were a mess. In those four days, I’m telling you, that was really smart. So I

Regina 33:37
waited till the day of the funeral. And that’s the day I reached out because I knew he would probably need a little bit more like love. And like, I wanted to ease his mind a little bit. So I was just like, hey, you know, thinking about you today, you know, if you need to talk later, or you need somebody let me know, I am free. I’ll be around. And so he ate that. And he’s like, Absolutely, I will let you know when I’m back in town. And I was like, Cool. And so again, I took him out to dinner. And I just told him straight up. I was like, I adore you. I I adore you. And I, I respect you a lot. But you know, and that was really great. What happened the other night, but if you don’t want to be in a relationship with me, then I can’t continue to be intimate. And that’s just what it is. Like, I have no problem being friends with you. You know, I love having you in my life. You’re a great friend to me, but like, that’s all it can be right now. And you know, and that’s okay. And he was like, but Okay, so you friendzone them for sure.

Chris Seiter 34:41
In a nice really you you worded it really elegantly like like I was just listening to and thinking oh, this is kind of nice. But then I sort of read between the lines of just like no, she’s certainly

Regina 34:53
I said it very eloquently. Yeah, I was like, Yeah, but you know, I enjoy hanging out with you. We have a good time like, and we were still like hanging out You know, once or twice a week, we could spend a couple hours together, you know, so he was just like, wait, what? Like he didn’t realize like I had, I had mad, like, the picture I painted in his head was like, We were friends the whole time. When I feel like in his head, he was thinking we were trying to rebuild this relationship. And then I was like, No, friendzone. And then he’s like, what? And then he realized he had to step it up. And so that’s what he was like, Okay, now I need to do more. And I need to really, like, Be the person she needs. Otherwise, I’m gonna be a friend. I have to show her I don’t want to be friends. So it kind of started there.

Chris Seiter 35:41
And he started doing those things, I’m assuming. Yeah,

Regina 35:45
yeah. Like we would go out and then you know, he would be get a phone call from his sister. Whatever music I’m with my girl. I’m with Allison. Or Regina.

Chris Seiter 35:57
You know, you’re awful at this secret identity thing. I’m just letting you know. Now I’m gonna have to go and edit this part out and the reason I’m bringing it up so I know where to fuck to edit this thing out. Sorry. Nice interview, I’m not gonna have to worry like about like, sometimes I have to go back and edit it out and everything. I’m just like, oh, this can be simple. I just you know, download it kind of edit the beginning and end to kind of kind of know I’m gonna have to go search for the Alice in named drill

Regina 36:34
with me. Help me. Hello, my name is Regina.

Chris Seiter 36:41
You have to write it down. I’ve learned this. I’ve done a lot of these before. Because it’s been sometimes it’s been me that screwed up. And I’ve been like, Oh, man. Don’t worry. I’ll have to edit that out. But all right, Regina, let’s.

Regina 36:55
Do you understand? The reference? Yes. Okay, I should note my dog’s name is Phoebe. IFIP a friend fanatic.

Chris Seiter 37:08
I love friends so much. It’s the best,

Regina 37:11
you know, just it’s the best.

Chris Seiter 37:15
Alright, so we were talking about? So he’s basically saying that he’s with his girl kind of insinuating your girlfriend boyfriend. But how do you get to that point where you actually who like who asks you? How do you get out of this? Pseudo girlfriend boyfriend thing?

Regina 37:35
Yeah, I really thought a lot about this. This part was, again, another one of those difficult times when being such a dismissive avoidant. Him even coming up with the idea or starting that conversation was never going to happen. So I had to, like, really think about how I can gently bring this up, and then get him to feel safe enough to talk about it. So you know, when, when we were hanging out, he would try and ask me to come hang out at his house. Or when I would, he’d be like, Well, do you want to stay the night? And I would just finally just like, I just made little, very blunt. drops, like no, that’s sorry, that’s saved for my boyfriend. Like, we’re friends. Like, no, that’s only something I do with the boyfriend. I’m sorry. Or like, that’s the boyfriend flip edge of you don’t have that anymore. I’m sorry. No, like, sorry, we’re, that’s not what this is. And he was like, oh, and then I would just be like, Nope, that’s something a boyfriend gets for me. And we’re just,

Chris Seiter 38:41
essentially you just stuck to your boundaries. Again, it’s

Regina 38:44
so hard. It was so hard. Because you know, it’s like, the love of my life and handsome and like, adorable and devils and suave and, like, genuinely just like the best human ever. So it was very difficult to be like, No, I don’t get it. No, you don’t get to

Chris Seiter 39:02
say no to Brad Pitt. You know, it’s not many women do that.

Regina 39:08
Very difficult, but also at the same time, every time I told him no, even though I knew I didn’t want to or like I would hold my boundary. It was really self empowering. Like, I felt so powerful in those moments. Because a she was respecting them, which was amazing. because not a lot of people will do like, they’ll just be like, Oh, no, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. But no, not him. He was like, oh, okay, well, if that’s how you think, okay, like he would never push me on it, which was super awesome. But also I was just like, oh, I can tell people No, this is amazing. I do know what I need to do. Okay. Got Alpha. Regina. Good job I don’t know who this other Alpha Girl

Chris Seiter 40:03
stop saying the name. Oh god, you’re making my job so much harder I have, I don’t have someone who can go and edit these, you know?

Regina 40:13
I’m gonna have to edit it for you and be like, I’m sorry. Oh, I know a guy. I know a lot of guys, like a whole entrepreneur community that owes me at least a favor.

Chris Seiter 40:25
Yeah, to edit out the Virgina sort of philanthropy thing. You know? Okay. All right. So, eventually, though you held strictly to your boundaries, and I’m sorry, I need to stop. This is this is this is what I love about interviews. Okay. So eventually, you basically hold strict to your boundaries. But you eventually have to have this talk. So who initiates this talk? Is it him falling victim to the sort of like, I’m just going to, like, plant my eye. Wag is maybe the wrong term to use, but you get what I’m saying like the like, like commitment flag, I guess.

Regina 41:15
Um, that happened around my birthday. So he saw me hanging out. I had no plans whatsoever. My boss didn’t need to launch alone for the day. He was like, Hey, you go have lunch. It’s on me. Just go take a break, have a long lunch, have a cocktail, whatever. I don’t care. Go have fun. It’s your birthday. You shouldn’t be spending like here. Well, boss, I know. Right? And so he sent me and I went to just like a block away and downtown area. So I just want to block away to the place and I’m sitting there and waiting on my pizza. Just type in on my computer. Because of course I got to work. I’m not that person. I took my laptop anyway. And so I was just sitting there, wait, and then lo and behold, here comes potato.

Chris Seiter 42:05
He’s coming in.

Regina 42:07
I didn’t know he was there. He didn’t know I was there. It was just by chance meeting. He came in to do something for his own business at the it was like a hotel. So he was doing something for the hotel. And then he saw me sitting in the restaurant alone. It was like, Well, what are you doing here alone? It’s your birthday. And he insisted on hanging out with me. And so of course, I was like, It’s my birthday. Of course. Yeah, you can pay me and sure enough. He insisted. We went back to my office, told my boss, I wasn’t coming back for the day because I had fun plans. And he was like, Sure have fun. Bye Happy Birthday. So we left spent the whole day together. And he just took me on the most amazing birthday day. And we just had drinks and dinner and played shuffleboard and did stupid things. And so eventually, we were both a little bit tipsy. And he was just like, what are we doing? And I was like, we’re hanging out what are we mean, what are we doing? And he finally was just like, No, what are we doing? I was like, okay, so you want to have this talk? And he’s like, Yeah, I was like, Okay, this is gonna be rough. Just so you know, like, I’m gonna full disclosure, like, I’m gonna drop some bombs on you right now, if you want to like, and he was like, No, I do. Or then I said, Okay, well, I think that you broke up with me prematurely. And I don’t think you gave us a very fair chance. And I think that if you’re wanting to try again, I would totally be willing to do that. But you have to, like, you have to be able to know that I’m not gonna go anywhere. And like, you have to try and be here for me, like you have to try, like together and you can’t, you have to be vulnerable. And I’m being vulnerable right now. It’s really hard for me to say this, too. And he was like, Oh, okay. And he told me about how he felt and about, you know, me being a single mom and and feeling obligated to help me with my kids. And, you know, and, and I can’t fault the person for that, that is fair. And, you know, I can see why he would feel that way, having a couple other relationships, and it failed, you know, because of the same reason. And, you know, I just had to reiterate, I’m not that person, we have the same goal in mind, like our vision of a relationship is the same. So we just have to focus on that and not let the other outside perspectives get in our way. Or try and make us feel guilty for doing things differently. You know, because we have to be happy. So it’s okay. They don’t have to live our lives. So we just have to be okay with that. And I think that was his biggest struggle was everybody else’s perception of what our relationship should look like versus what we needed. And so we’ve just been working on that ever since. You know, it’s been very slow. All very slow. And, you know, we just do our best to try and be there for each other. And, you know, and then this last fall, I mean, we’ve been dating, we were like, after my birthday, we had that conversation. We hung out a few more weeks. It was probably like two months later, he was finally like, Okay, I want you to be my girlfriend. I mean, like, it’s a very long time between all this. So we move very, very, like, I mean, it’s been, what, two years? I think he’s met my kids like four times, Max,

Chris Seiter 45:42
even today. Yeah. Yeah.

Regina 45:45
Like, I’m very much like, I don’t need somebody to help me with this, like, I

Chris Seiter 45:49
got that your Do your kids know, you’re dating him.

Regina 45:54
They like him. He he’s come over a couple times to play games, but I don’t want their perception of me to be with other men. I want my kids to be streamed on one with them. Got it. Now, and their dad isn’t in the picture, we have a great relationship. He comes in and I house all the time, he hangs out with them make some dinner while I’m at work. So like, that also is a little bit difficult for people to like, with potato being in a relationship with me being comfortable with their dad kind of like just having free access to my house. Does I want my kids to stay comfortable. And that means that they stay here. I don’t want them back and forth, back and forth. So yeah, I am very protective of my children and I have my little should be Yeah, I have I run things and I I’ve been doing it for so long by myself that it’s very selfish of me to try and ask somebody to fit into what I already have established. You know, like, we just

Chris Seiter 46:57
got to put in two years of work to get them slowly kind of integrate them into the into the Allison Regina bubble I was gonna say this has been one of the more unique interviews that you know what, it’s your fault.

Regina 47:28
In that, like, I’m gonna believe

Chris Seiter 47:30
no, it’s a it’s a really good unique. Now there’s three points that I have to remember. All right, so So he basically asks for you back after this two month. Wait, after you have this kind of long, deep, let’s have a talk conversation. And how have things been since

Regina 47:56
things have been slow still sense. And you know, that I had some tragedy of my own, with my dad suddenly passed away in September. And that was awful. And because him and I were extremely close. So that was really bad. I was just a nightmare. I still kind of am a little bit of a nightmare, but I’m better. So him seeing me go through that and like losing my person. Because like, you helped me with my kids. And sorry, I’m gonna cry a little bit.

Chris Seiter 48:39
That’s okay. No, that’s okay. Him and

Regina 48:43
I were very, very, like, we were best friends. So it was very, very hard. Shoot, sorry. Okay. But potato was there.

Chris Seiter 48:58
And he helped throughout that really difficult time.

Regina 49:02
He didn’t leave my side like he insisted, like, the family. My kids like he hadn’t met anybody, because I’m very private, with like, and have a huge family. And I’m quite boisterous. I’m the quiet one of my family. So you can imagine, take myself and like six more octaves of volume and extrovert ism, and then multiply that by 12. And that’s my immediate family.

Chris Seiter 49:28
That’s your family. So he basically went into the hornet’s nest to be by your side during that difficult time.

Regina 49:36
Yeah, so he,

Chris Seiter 49:38
I was like, I don’t know. It’s a big deal for an avoidance so if you think about it, it was huge

Regina 49:43
for him. Yeah, he was there through everything funeral planning. The Whole Nine Yards like he did not leave my site for close to two weeks. And and, like, that’s when I really knew like he really really like Even though I knew he didn’t say it, but like, I knew he loved me at that point, because that for somebody you don’t yeah, the actions

Chris Seiter 50:07
are kinda threw up. Yeah.

Regina 50:11
And so that moment, for me made me more secure in our relationship. And I was then after healing a little bit and coming to my senses. Use that as, like, I don’t get so anxious now, like, if sometimes, like, you know, when you have a relationship with somebody, you’ll have your little quarrels and disagreements, like no, I don’t want to do that, or, Hey, you didn’t follow through with this. And, and the way you communicate that with people, when you’re anxious, and you’re not secure in your relationship is completely different from when you understand, and you want to understand how you hurt that person. Because you are so secure, you know, they’re not going anywhere. So you don’t need, you can set that aside, to really figure out the root cause and how you can fix it versus just putting blame and like, Oh, what did I do wrong? Or, Oh, I’m the worst, you know. So just having that. Knowing for me how he cared without him saying was really big, and being able to just finally relax and feel secure in our relationship. Like, I don’t have to use these tools. And I don’t have to think about how am I gonna book him again, I just now I know that he really does care for me, you know. And now, I mean, that was in the fall, my dad passed, and it’s February and he was finally like, I love you. And, like, for me, that was like the end

Chris Seiter 51:46
all that was, that’s when you decided to like, post the success. So

Regina 51:53
I succeeded. Yeah, like, I didn’t even care that we were in a committed relationship anymore. I just wanted to hear though, like, for me, that was it. Like that was me being successful, like, you know, going from, I don’t want to be with you anymore to like, let’s really change both of our Dynamics and grow together. You know? And then now, we’re just, I don’t know, we’re ridiculous.

Chris Seiter 52:20
What, what’s really interesting to me is you seem to be an incredibly patient person, you know, like, you look around the community, and you see a lot of people struggling with their breakups. And they’re not able to have that same level of patience and that patience is really what’s needed. If you were dealing with someone who’s like a pretty severe, dismissive avoidant. And you seem to have had that. What’s your secret? How do I bottle up that patience and give it to other people?

Regina 52:52
Oh, gosh, I you know, I’m asked this a lot. I don’t even know where it comes from. But you know, I do have a lot of kids, and that’ll teach you patience. Definitely. Or it’ll X exacerbate the fact that you don’t have any.

Chris Seiter 53:06
But yeah, I feel like that’s my wife. And I, you know, like, I feel like I felt She’s like an incredibly patient person. And I felt like I thought I was until you have a baby screaming at you and a seven year old running around and you’re trying to get work done. And you’re just like, Just be quiet. I’m trying to focus. Best investment ever is noise cancelling headphones.

Regina 53:30
velcro shoes.

Chris Seiter 53:33
Yeah, for real, real.

Regina 53:35
tight shoes. That’s that takes some pain. Yeah. No, my, I think the my own personal like mantra for patients that really it helps me in a lot of different aspects of my life. But patients is the one thing that really helps me with is I have to like break it down. Like, especially because I’m an anxious person, and I get anxiety really easily. I always just have to break it down and think to myself, Okay, is this going to matter to me in five minutes? Is this going to alter my life in five minutes? If this isn’t gonna ultimately life in the next five minutes? I need to let it go. It’s nice. I don’t need to waste energy on it. And then I think about okay, how about the next 30 minutes? How about the next hour? Now? I think about it, is this gonna affect my life a week from now it for the worse? Is this gonna like really? Jungle in My World? And then three weeks, three months, five years? If I answer no to all of those, I let it go. And I’m just like, I give it away. Like you can have a world I don’t need it. Like just it’s not mine to carry. You know, it is just things happen. And if it’s not going to alter your whole world, there’s no sense in just like freaking out about it because that’s only internalizing, hurting you. You know, the rest of the world doesn’t care that your kid doesn’t know how to tie a shoe. I don’t care are that you’re 30 minutes late, you know, got the Velcro,

Chris Seiter 55:02
you got the velcro thing, and yeah, you’re right. I mean, we often worry about being late to functions and everything, but no one’s gonna care about that. No one’s gonna sit there and you know, in three months be like, oh, man, I really wish I was 30 minutes early to that one function. So yeah, you’re right.

Regina 55:19
Yeah, you know, I just, you know, and like, I’ll go back to the container shoe, you know, is, is it gonna matter to me in five minutes, whether or not this kid ties or shoe, no, but if I’m upset and like, frustrated, my child is going to internalize that forever. So like, I have to learn to let things go for other people, too. And that creates a lot of patients like, this isn’t for me, this is for them. So like, I can’t get worked out because they need to learn this a. And if you do it gently enough in the right way, then they’ll it’ll come from a better place. And they’ll remember it. They won’t be like anxious about I can’t tie my shoe. And they’re like, Mom, I need help. You know, and I’m like, tried twice, Friend, friend. It’s good parenting advice.

Chris Seiter 56:07
Well, you got five kids. Like, you ought to listen to this woman. You know, that’s, that’s my philosophy. I too. And I’m telling you like, I can’t imagine five, but we’re getting off topic. Sorry. No, no, no worries. So basically, looking back at your entire situation, if you could pick one thing that made the biggest difference for you? What would it be?

Regina 56:40
The one thing that made the biggest difference? Yeah. I think it was probably learning about the attachment styles. Interesting. I think that a lot of people don’t think about how your upbringing really affects your need, and your ability to love other people. And what that looks like, I think a lot of society has an ideal, based off of propaganda, and you know, social status of what they think a relationship should look like, and feel like based off of movies and things. And if you just try and understand the person and their journey, you really appreciate that person a little more, and you can give them a little more grace. Yeah, I could have been really upset and mad when potato didn’t text me right away, or when my hook didn’t work, you know, or I had to wait. I could have been really upset. But because I took the time to understand myself and my anxieties and my insecurities, and then his as well. I think that was, for me the biggest thing, because it’s just understanding where somebody comes from, so that you can meet them there. You know, and I learned that in my entrepreneur circle and teaching entrepreneurs like, I always say, I will meet the entrepreneur, where they’re at, and then we bring them forward. So if I don’t do the relationship, I can’t really help these entrepreneurs either. Because, you know, what, am I doing? Translate? Practice

Chris Seiter 58:24
what you preach type thing, but yeah, yeah.

Regina 58:29
I just tried to differently, like, what is what is the end goal? It’s really, because I’m not looking for marriage. And I don’t want to have any more children, because I already have mine. So my end goal is the human connection. And I’m doing myself an injustice if I’m not trying to find that true thing.

Chris Seiter 58:52
You know, I think what you’re really trying to find vs. My opinion is a partner. You’re trying to find a partner that you can be with pretty much for the rest of your life sounds kind of corny, but that’s kind of it, you know, someone that you can trust so implicitly on that level that you can rely on? I think that’s what you’re after.

Regina 59:14
You know, I told him that too, you know, I don’t I don’t want a husband. I want a partner I want to I want somebody that we can both learn and love and grow in love together and share our lives with not intertwine and create something new. I already created my life.

Chris Seiter 59:31
Well, you know, it’s interesting, I’ve been doing a lot of research on narcissism. And I promise this is not going to relate to your to your potato at all, but it was something you said just kind of triggered me. It’s interesting because as you’ve experienced in your life, as you age, grow older, getting new experiences, you change. You’re no longer the person necessarily that that person eventually fell in love with and usually what happens in the breakup of marriages Just one person changes a lot. And the other person doesn’t grow with them, like you said. And it’s interesting because when you when they study narcissists, the narcissists literally cannot handle the other person growing. And that’s one of the reasons why they start devaluing the person consistently, they’ve tried to keep them the same person. But if you I don’t want to say this, because I don’t ever condone it, but they’ve actually done research on what works to get narcissists attention. So like, there’s like the cycle that they’ll go through, you know, though, they’ll shower you with gifts, and they’ll devalue you, then they’ll kind of like break up with you, and then they’ll hover. And then it just kind of like the cycle repeats over and over. Yeah, so But what’s really interesting to know,

Regina 1:00:51
it should be recovery program for that too. I think

Chris Seiter 1:00:56
I think there is, but what’s interesting is what they when they studied narcissists, they found that what worked to get them like intrigued in you, again, is if you change so dramatically, that actually, like captures your attention. So one of the reasons I’m, I’m researching this is because I need to make sure to help men and women, like figure out if their exes are narcissists. Because like, a lot of the advice that we give to people like yourself is like, Hey, we’re not asking you to change, we’re just asking you to kind of max out your stats, if you will, in your life. And as a result of that people will be drawn to you. And as a result of that your ex may be drawn to you. Unfortunately, this is also what works on narcissists. And we need to give people the tools necessary to identify Yeah, that person’s narcissist, you need to avoid them like the plague. Yeah, but yeah, yeah, so that was a weird, no. Weird thing.

Regina 1:02:05
Totally relatable. Because I mean, my ex husband is definitely fits that bill. I mean, it was not a good marriage by any means. And I endured it for a very long time. So yeah, I totally understand. That’s also part of the reason why I am so independent. Now this because I need that to feel like I’m okay. From being in that situation for so long. So,

Chris Seiter 1:02:34
what’s interesting that that situation probably made you anxious, you know, like, like, it exacerbated your anxiety. Would you say that’s accurate?

Regina 1:02:42
Oh, yeah, I was a wreck. I was a wreck through that whole relationship, but it was not good. I ended up having a heart condition and like, bad things happen. I’m fine. But like, like, I just, I could never live up to the expectation of my partner at that time, my husband, so I just over exhausted myself trying to fit the mold that was ever changing, to just feel like I was accepted by him. And it just, I just got tired of it. And I got worn out. And I just said, you know, I can’t do this anymore. And then, once I left, it was very difficult, got really bad. And then he went away for a while, disappeared, figured it out his own things. And then now we’re good, which is great, because now we can have like a good co parenting but yeah, it’s even still. We’re not together anymore. But now that I have kind of had that time to step away from that kind of relationship. And being in that narcissistic, abusive place, it’s so much easier for me to see it now. Like, in our conversations and like the way he’ll he’ll still do it to me, and I don’t let him do it to our kids, which is good, but like, the one thing I’ve noticed is boundaries. a narcissist cannot accept boundaries, no even smallest of boundary. It’s, you know, and like, that’s what I tell my kids, you know, and they’re starting to date and explore relationships, even though I don’t want them to but they’re, they’re young, they’re gonna do it anyway. You know? So I just tell them, you know, be true to you and have a boundary and if people don’t respect that, that’s a very good indicator that they don’t need to be a part of your life. And they shouldn’t because even the simplest thing, you know, like hey, could you just give me an extra inch here? Yeah, yeah, and if you go away and somebody is a narcissist, they will still gonna come back. Yeah, it’s weird. But

Chris Seiter 1:04:55
it’s interesting because I think what that experience and a time away a lot she’d have some perspective and look at it like, but it’s interesting because when you look at people that are in relationships with narcissists will often make excuses for them or there’ll be so wrapped up into it. And it’s actually hard to get them to have that perspective because they’re in love. They’re like literally in love and you don’t think clearly when you’re in love. So I think like, one of the things that’s really important to do before you decide to date anyone is like, go through the I think this is like one of the prerequisites I’m going to start having people do just between you and I before they try to get their exes back. I think they need to first figure out what their exes attachment style is. To the best knowledge. I mean, there’s no way we can guarantee it without their ex actually taking a test and everything, but also figure out if their ex is a narcissist. Narcissism is rare, it’s possible to have, you know, a dismissive avoidant with some narcissistic traits, everyone has some of the narcissistic traits. But a narcissist kind of has, like, Was it like seven out of the nine or five out of the nine or something like, like a lot out of the amount? So I think that’s kind of should be a prerequisite, before you get back with an ex, because those are the red flags. And that’s what no one teaches you about dating. There’s no no course for that in school.

Regina 1:06:20
They don’t teach you common life scenarios in school. It’s just all education, but book education. And that’s life it no ends at high school, basically, and that it’s real life. And I was like, oh, figure it out. And they’re like, yeah,

Chris Seiter 1:06:35
yeah, that’s pretty much it. Or college where they’ll put you in debt for the rest of your life. And, yeah,

Regina 1:06:41
I just tell my kids just be happy. Just I don’t care if you’ve never stepped foot in college. I don’t care. Just graduate high school, and be a happy, healthy, productive member of society. That’s all I require. That’s it graduate high school and be a productive member of society. I don’t give a crap what you do after that, yeah, I’m here. Happy day, I’ll make it dinner.

Chris Seiter 1:07:00
You and I have a lot of the same philosophy about college, but

Regina 1:07:04
I did call it I went to college. Three times, actually be a doctor.

Chris Seiter 1:07:14
So, Regina, thanks for coming onto this. And doing this success story interview, it was actually really illuminating for me, not only the patients, but also you’re kind of a model example of how you handle someone who has an X that has dismissive tendencies.

Regina 1:07:35
Yeah, it’s you definitely off the charts and the whole thing, I mean, took him almost a year to tell me you love me. And he’s like, I’ve been wanting to tell him forever. And I was like, Well, how long forever and he’s like, seven

Chris Seiter 1:07:49
year old. But he did. And that’s what matters.

Regina 1:07:57
And now he says it not only to me, but he says in front of other people, which is really big. Like, for me, that’s a huge milestone, you know, whatever it is like why

Chris Seiter 1:08:05
I love that you didn’t consider it a success. Because for anyone listening to this, I know we’re getting to the end and everything. But this is important. She did not like I went before this interview to like, look at the timing of your of your historical community posts and everything. You like. There was like a year where you just didn’t post you were together in that year. You did not consider like you got him back like almost a year ago. Right? Yeah. Or seven, eight months ago, whatever it was. You did not post your success story until last week. And yeah, only after he told you. I love you.

Regina 1:08:46
Yeah, because that was that was the end goal. You know, like God, I don’t want a relationship. I want a partner and I want somebody to love and care for me and I want to love him and this is a purse, I choose him. I choose him and I even told them that I was like I pick you you’re stuck with me too bad.

Chris Seiter 1:09:06
Thank you so much for coming on to doing this.

Regina 1:09:08
Yeah, thank you. It was amazing. I not even a problem like I the least I could do is give you a little bit of my time for everything that this program has given me and I’ve really appreciate it so if you ever need anything, let me know. Or at least a laugh. I’m here for doing it.

The post Success Story: How This Woman Got Her Dismissive Avoidant Ex Back Using Attachment Theory first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.