#55: Befriend Yourself, with Rachel Astarte

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

Befriending yoruself is part of self-development work. It's about learning to like and love yourself through building self-trust, self-acceptance, developing intuition, communcating boundaries, and connecting with others. My guest, Rachel Astarte, talks with us about the benefits of becoming your own best friend, whether you're in midlife or at any point in your life.

Rachel Astarte is an author, holistic psychotherapist, and transformational life coach. She is the author of "Celebrating Solitude: How to Develop and Honor Your Highest Self." She is also the host of the podcast, "Self Talk with Rachel Astarte."

Learn more about Rachel:

Website: http://rachelastartetherapy.com

“Self Talk” Podcast: http://rachelastartetherapy.com/podcast

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rachelastartetherapy

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rachelastartetherapy

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rachelastarte/

Learn more about Karin:

Website: https://drcalde.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theloveandconnectioncoach

TRANSCRIPT

Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

[00:50] Karin: Hello, everybody. Today I'm talking with Rachel Astarte, and she is a holistic therapist out of New York. And we're going to be talking about self development. Now, I talk about self development a lot, and it's a really big part of what I do with clients. And today we're going to dive into what it really is. It's about figuring out who you really are, learning to connect with yourself. And when you do that, you become your own best friend (which is the of a program that Rachel actually runs).

And when you do that, that in turn helps your relationships get stronger, too. But what does self development really mean and what does it entail? So that's what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about self compassion, intuition, the self critic, and how they're all intertwined and so much more. And then toward the end, we move on to talking about women in midlife and the unique challenges that they face and how this all applies to them. There are so many gems here. So I'm glad you're here. If you like the episode, I hope you'll leave me a review and share it with others. All right, here we go.

[02:04] Karin: Welcome, Rachel.

[02:05] Rachel: Thank you so much for having me, Karen. It's great to be here.

[02:09] Karin: So, first of all, tell me where you are in the world.

[02:13] Rachel: I'm located just outside of New York City, about a half an hour outside of, yeah, New York proper. And, yeah, having a snowstorm. Well, it's just finished now, but it was very beautiful earlier.

[02:29] Karin: And what keeps you there?

[02:32] Rachel: Well, I love New York. I mean, I was actually born in Illinois, but I have no recollection of that because my parents moved when I was about six months old and my father got a teaching position in western New York and we stayed there. But when I was 14 years old, I took my first trip to Manhattan and I fell in love. So what ended up happening was after I graduated from university, I went to a state school, and I said, I want to move to New York, down into the city, and with a couple of forays elsewhere, I spent most of my life, my young adult life there, 22 years in New York City. And then in 2009, I moved outside. But I just love the state so much, and I get so much energy from it, so much creative energy from the city. But the state itself is so beautiful, and it just feels like home to me now. I also lived in New Mexico, so that's the only other state so far that I've ever lived in there. I felt like that felt like home, too. But New York, I'm just completely drawn to the city, and so that's what keeps me here.

[03:56] Karin: It's wonderful to feel so connected with where you live.

[03:59] Rachel: Yeah.

[04:00] Karin: And I have the Billy Joel song now in my head, that New York state of mind. So tell us what you do for work.

[04:09] Rachel: Well, I am a holistic psychotherapist, transformational life coach, author, and educator. So those are the things that I do the most. Yeah.

[04:21] Karin: And how did you come to do that work?

[04:24] Rachel: Well, I started as a writer. I started very early in my career. My father was a poet and a professor of literature and poetry. My mother is an actor, still is. She does more directing now. She's 85. So, so impressed by her all the time. But that's how I got started. I got started in the arts, and then I really loved the connection that I felt with other human beings by communicating through those art forms, and I got kind of addicted to that. But I also grew up around a lot of psychology and a lot of spirituality. So I was just, from a very early age, fascinated by why human beings do what they do. And at some point, I realized that writing, performing wasn't exactly giving me the connection, like the kind of connections I wanted to have with people, which was more personal. So that's when, shortly after my son was born, I went back to school and became a transformational life coach. And that was a lot of fun. I had a great time doing it. But then I realized I am getting dangerously close to doing talk therapy with my clients, and that's not legal. So I decided it would be a good idea for me to go back and get a master's in marriage and family therapy, which is what I did, and went through the internship and the associateship and got all my hours and got licensed in New York state as a therapist. So that's what brought me to the work that I do. Hmm.

[06:12] Karin: We have this kind of an opposite story. You started as a coach and then became a therapist, and I did the opposite. Wonderful. So who are the people that you tend to work with most? What are they seeking when they come to you?

[06:28] Rachel: Well, the people that come to me most are the people who are stuck, and. And usually that can manifest in different ways, as I'm sure you know as well. But the overriding issue that I find with people is a sense of an unbalanced and underappreciated self that somehow they've lost connection with their true natures. And that's what we focus on, is helping them to build a strong foundation of self so that they can manage whatever comes their way, whatever challenges they may encounter in a grounded and whole way that allows them to be who they truly are in the world. So the issues can look like anything from depression, anxiety, impostor syndrome, wonky boundaries with people, people pleasing, all of that low self esteem is a big one. So everything that we encounter just kind of comes back to the self. Something's going on within us that's out of alignment, and that's what I work with clients on.

[07:56] Karin: And you talk about self development, right? And it's such a big topic. I think if you talk to ten people, you get ten different definitions of what self development is, and I think that you and I probably have a very similar idea of that, but I'd love to hear you talk about how you understand it.

[08:18] Rachel: Well, the way that I look at self development is that self development is one part of the work that I do. So I talk about doing socially conscious self development. In other words, it's wonderful to be our best self. It's wonderful to work on our issues and live the best life we can live. But that's not enough. Once we are living our best life, that can also tend to cause more problems down the line. There's still a question of why don't I feel gratified, satisfied, contented in my life? And the reason usually is that we are not meant to just improve our lives for our own benefit. We are meant to improve our lives so that we can contribute to the rest of the world by being our true selves. And so looking at it from what energy are we putting out in the world? When we're in a bad place or in an uncomfortable place, our energy is going to reflect that. When we're feeling more balanced and contented and in control of our behaviors, emotions, actions, then we put out a very different vibe, for lack of a better word, so, really, when we do this work on ourselves, we're actually doing it. Yes. So we feel better, but we're also doing it because we want to contribute to the collective in a positive way. So, literally changing the quantum field or affecting the quantum field and in a way that is helpful for us as family members, because that's what we all are when we think about how everything is interconnected. So, yeah, that's how I define self development. It's that it's taking what is out of alignment, getting it back into alignment, and then going out into the world and living as our true self. That affects the tapestry of humanity in a really beautiful way.

[10:45] Karin: So it sounds to me like you help people connect with themselves, and then you help people connect outwardly with others.

[10:53] Rachel: Is that Right? Yeah. It's about relationship, but not just with other human beings. It's with all of life around us, which is also our siblings. They're also our siblings because everything is connected. So, in fact, when you look at the world that way, it's very hard to feel lonely because there's so much life around us all the time. So, yeah, that's another part of it, too. There's a lot of pressure we put on ourselves to live our best life, whatever that might mean. But when we take the pressure off and we say, well, I'm doing this, yes, because I will feel better. But to know that my feeling better helps others as well, it's easier for us to think about others before we think about ourselves. And that can make it an easier pathway in to doing self work.

[11:59] Karin: So do you do that concurrently? Do you help people work on themselves, but also their connections with others?

[12:06] Rachel: Well, life is back and forth in that way. So while you're working on yourself, at the end of a session with me or at the end of a class with me, you still have to go out into the world and deal with your spouse or your mom or your kid or your colleague, for your boss, for your friend. So you're learning tools about how to pull your energy back in and be solid in who you are so that you can interact with other people in a helpful and functional way. Yeah. So I guess that probably answers it, is that it's congruent. Absolutely.

[12:46] Karin:: And how do people get so disconnected?

[12:49] Rachel: Well, I blame the parents. No, I blame society. I think that, well, we start out as these beautiful beings when we're born without any needs beyond the immediate of being warm and fed and changed and loved. And then when we have interactions with other people, we begin to learn that maybe who we are isn't enough. When you're a child and you're just full of the energy of the world and you're playing and screaming and be quiet, be quiet. We like, oh, I'm not allowed to do that. And we begin to doubt ourselves. We begin to doubt our beautiful energy. And so over time, and then we have teachers who are telling us, oh, you did this wrong, or whatever it is, we start to take the viewpoints of other people and then, yes, we'll bring society into it, too, not to mention social media. But when I grew up, it was television and magazines and, oh, I'm supposed to look like that. I'm supposed to own that car. I'm supposed to drive or have this house and do these activities, we begin to question ourselves. And that really causes a disconnect with our true nature, which we had from the beginning. Now, it doesn't mean the true nature is gone. It's just kind of buried under all of this stuff. And so the work that I do with clients and with students is to help sort of unpack all of that and get back to true nature.

[14:40] Karin: And it's a lot of work, isn't it?

[14:42] Rachel: Yeah, but I even hate the word work. I use it….We have to do our self work. I've been calling it more of an adventure, right? Because it's like the hero's journey, and we're venturing into this unknown and we feel ill prepared. And in fact, that's the first thing that the hero encounters when presented with the adventure, is the refusal of the call. Like, I'm not worthy. I'm not. Okay, I don't have time to do this. It happens in every movie now. You'll never not see it. Every time the hero is presented with the journey, they're like, no, I don't think I'm going to do that. And so, yeah, it's a process. So once we get past that and we jump in and go on the journey, it really is an adventure of learning yourself. And the very first thing that I tell my clients or invite my clients and students to pack on that journey is non judgment. Right? Don't judge yourself for what happened in the past, and don't judge yourself for what's going to happen on your journey. Just accept it as part of the learning process. So, yeah, it takes a while, and also, it's ongoing for the rest of our life. So if we said, oh, I got to work on myself my whole life, that doesn't sound fun to me at all, but I love the idea of being on a life adventure, of what does it mean to be Rachel in this life? What does it mean to be Karen in this life? That's a great adventure to me.

Karin: And it's a continual self-discovery where there can be so many, aha! Oh, now I get it. And that can be really those moments of inspiration, I think can really bolster us and help us to move forward, because when you put together the pieces of the puzzle, it can be very connecting and inspiring. So what are some of these pieces that you work on with people? What are some of these things that people benefit from learning when they work with you?

[16:58] Rachel: It's a process. Right? In fact, right now I'm teaching a course called be your own best friend. And this really is a comprehensive course in how to develop that foundation of self. And what we want or what we need in order to really, truly befriend ourselves is self-acceptance. And in order to do that, there are three areas that we really need to work on along the path, which is, first of all, self awareness. Being aware of what we do, what we think, how we behave non-judgmentally, being aware. Right. We don't want to judge ourselves once we turn the focus on our awareness. And that's the mind part. Right? So, as a holistic therapist, I work with mind, body and spirit. So the mind part of it is that self-awareness, then we need self-compassion, which includes self-love. And that's more of a spiritual thing. This compassion, this love, this desire to accept ourselves where we are, but still honor the fact that we want to shift or change or improve or alter a few things in our life. And having that self compassion not only helps us, and this is what you were talking about earlier, it really helps us to turn compassion toward others. Once we can start to feel it in ourselves, we naturally want to share that with others. And then we also need self-trust. And this is more. I consider this part of the body aspect of the work, because trust requires us to know who we are, where we are, how we think, and that involves a lot of internal, physical, somatic work, which is to say, when I'm feeling something, where am I feeling it? What is it trying to tell me? How can I look at my body as an ally when I'm having these big emotions that seem like they're carrying me away? What if I know when I'm feeling shame, I feel that in the pit of my solar plexus, right at the base of my stomach, or maybe at the top of my stomach, I start to feel, oh, I know what that is. The self part of me is hurting right now. And to be able to trust that I understand that about myself, to trust that my body will take care of itself, knows how to self-regulate, which is one of the things that I work on with clients and students is how do I manage those feelings so that I can begin to trust. Right. So there are many different tools and modalities that I use to help us to sort of light up these aspects, the awareness and compassion and trust so that we have, ultimately, self-acceptance. And when we have self-acceptance, it's much easier to accept others where they are on their path.

[20:20] Karin:: Yeah, absolutely. It does start with us. So there's so many directions I would love to take. You know, one of the books that I recommend to just about all my clients is Kristen Neff's Self Compassion. So I love that that's an important piece of the work that you do. What gets in the way of people showing themselves self compassion in your experience?

[20:47] Rachel: Well, again, I think it's that self-talk, the dialogue or maybe monologue that runs in our head that's just designed. You know, it's not even real. It's just the. The information that we've been fed that we don't really pause and question, and that can cause a lot of obstacles to appear on our path. It makes it very difficult for us to be self-compassionate because we're still believing this crap message that we're no good or that we're not good enough. Right. It's much easier to show compassion toward others. Right. So when we think about what is compassion? Well, compassion is empathy plus the desire to help or to assist someone through pain. And it's so much easier to do that for others. And so I was just on a call Today, and we were talking about this very thing where one of the students was having an issue with her personal self-image. And she said, if I had a friend who was going through this, I would be very caring and loving toward her and gentle toward her. And I said, well, what's the difference between you doing that for her and doing it for yourself? Dead silence, right? It's a hard question to answer, and I didn't say this then, but a little bit tongue in cheek. What makes you so special that you deserve to be crapped on? Why are you the only one in the whole planet who does not deserve compassion? It's very silly when we think of it that way.

[22:41] Karin:: Right? People tend to hold themselves to a higher standard. No one can be as bad as I am. There is something really bad about me at my core. And we hold that so strongly oftentimes.

[22:58] Rachel: Yeah.

[22:59] Karin:: So it sounds like you're talking really largely about the self-critic that just about all of us have running through our minds, telling us these stories about ourselves. Right.

[23:11] Rachel: Right. And remember, when we apply non judgment to the critic, the critic can become an ally. Right. So when we're not judging that voice that says, you're no good and you're not good, you'll never get that job. That guy or that girl is never going to love you. When we don't judge the voice, but when we listen and discern, that's the difference. Right? The difference between being judgmental and discerning. We could say, well, how true is that statement? How true is it that I'm never going to get that job or I'm not good or smart enough to get that job? Maybe that's not my decision to make. Maybe it's the people who are hiring me. They get to make that decision. Right. And so when we calm down and just literally, and I say this to my clients and students all the time, talk to yourself when you can talk to yourself out loud. I am a proponent of full on dialogue with your highest self. Inquire, what do you mean, I'm not good enough? Tell me, how are you not good enough? How am I not good enough? I want to hear. I'm all ears. Give me the list. And then the list will come. And usually it's very short because when we stop and actually ask ourselves, we come up short. Well, because remember, we are designed to succeed. And I don't mean that in a business way. I mean, we're designed to thrive. That the highest self won't let you kick your own butt too much. It will say, oh, well, no, it's true. I've never done this job before, but I've done things that are new in the past, and I did okay. Right. So you begin to talk yourself out of it. So the self critic is also there to protect you from getting hurt or making a fool of yourself. But when you sit down and talk with it calmly and without judgment, you begin to see there are many other paths than just staying in that stuck place or feeling criticized.

[25:25] Karin:: Yeah. Wonderful. And it also reminds me of how when we learn self-compassion, it helps us to also be more honest with ourselves and use that discernment so that we can see our faults, but also our gifts and everything more accurately for how we really are.

[25:52] Rachel: Yeah, exactly. And really, again, always circling back to when we have negative self talk, or what I call the small s talk, as opposed to the capital s self, capital s self being our highest self that has our best interests in mind, the small s self being the ego. Right. And not that ego in and of itself is a bad thing, but the ego that wants to control the show. When we encounter the negative self talk or the small s self-talk, to keep inquiring, keep asking, well, how true is that statement? What is it you're trying to tell me? What good is this thing you're trying to foist upon me? That no one will ever love me? How is that helping me? No, there's no help at all. I just want you to stay at home on the couch alone for the rest of your life. Okay? Is that really what we want? When you keep asking in a neutral kind of way, you can usually talk yourself right out of all that stuff.

[27:03] Karin: So going back to the self-trust, would you say that tapping into your intuition is part of that self trust work that you do?

[27:11] Rachel: Yeah. I mean, our intuition is like a facet of our highest self. It's the part of us that already knows the part that's connected to source, the part that's connected to the eternal, the place from which we came. We're given that intuition for a reason, and we've all experienced it. You don't have to be sitting at the foot of a guru for 20 years to figure out what that means. Or it's not new age stuff. You have intuition. When you walk into a room and say, this doesn't feel right, something's wrong here, that's intuition, right? And so we all have it. It's just a matter of listening to it. That is the self trust part is to say, I trust that I can make a decision guided by my intuition, guided by my intellect, guided by my experience. And if I make a mistake, that's okay, right? We're so afraid to make mistakes, but that's how we learn, right? So you start a job and you didn't like it. All right, get another job. It sounds easier said than done. But the truth is, I think all of us at some point have done something like that. Or you're at a party and you're not connecting with anybody. Leave. Say goodbye to the host and get out. You don't have to stay if your intuition is telling you this isn't the place you want to be, or maybe you're just tired, otherwise you would have had a great time. But you're beat, and somebody asks you you want to go take a walk or a hike or something, and you don't because you're beat to be able to say, I'm being called to stay home and take a nap. That's okay, too. That's all about that. Intuition and self-trust and listening. Listening.

[29:13] Karin:: And how do you help people discern the difference between saying no to something and avoiding?

[29:20] Rachel: Oh, that's a great question. Right. So this comes back to our body. So if you're saying no, let's use a hypothetical. Maybe you should give me one. Give me a hypothetical where something like that would come up where you would say no as opposed to, yeah, so.

[29:46] Karin:: How about you get invited to a party and everything inside you says, no, I don't want to go to this. Is it because you're trying to take care of yourself, or is it because you're avoiding a social situation because it.

[30:00] Rachel: Makes you great example. Okay, so let's use that. Somebody invites you. So then your first instinct, your first feeling about is, I don't want to go. So you drop into your body and you weigh both options. So you ask yourself, what's the real reason I don't want to go to this party? I'm tired. I've been social all week. I really don't feel like doing this right now. And then you introduce the other one. Are you afraid of socializing? Are you afraid that you'll say something stupid or you'll drink too much or whatever it is? Well, yeah, there's a little bit of that. Okay, so which one is louder? Which one is speaking to you more clearly? Because oftentimes we get into the people pleasing mode and we start to doubt what our instincts really are or our intuition is telling us. Because I don't want to let my friend down. She's going to think that if I don't go, that I'm being antisocial, and then et cetera, et cetera. But none of that is real. None of that is real. That's all a play that you're running on the stage of your mind. So that's why dropping into your body and paying attention to how you feel when you introduce both options. Yeah, I'm really tired. I really don't feel like socializing. Well, usually when we go out, we hate it at first, and then we have a good time. You don't want to miss on that, do you? If that makes sense to you, then, yeah, I've done that a dozen times. Like, no, I do not want to go out tonight. No. And then I say, but go. And then I go, and I have a great time. Now, sometimes that happens, sometimes that doesn't. But what matters is you're listening to yourself and there is no right or wrong. And to take it into, like, a more serious subject, let's say you're presented with the opportunity to speak in front of a large group of people on a topic that you know well, and your first feeling is, no, I don't want to do that. And when you do that, self inquiry, what's the reason? And maybe it's some of the same thing. I've been working too hard. I'm physically exhausted. It's 45 minutes away, it's unpaid. Whatever it is, then those are all feelings that resonate when you drop into your body. It's like, yes, that's what it is. But if you're looking at it from a perspective of, I'm afraid I'll make a fool of myself, I'm afraid. Even though this is a subject I know very well, what if they don't like me? That's fear. So then you can go deeper and ask the question of what is it that you really fear? And how true is that fear? And you do this. That's why talking to ourselves is so important. It's not enough to just get a download and go like, well, that's the answer. I mean, sometimes we need to do a back and forth, right? So there have been times in my own life where I've been asked to do something and all the reasons that I just mentioned, too far away and there's no parking in the city or whatever, and it's like, that's not worth it for me. There have also been times I've been invited to do something where immediately I had almost like a clash, like a thundercloud of yes and no at the same time. And when that happens, I find that's probably a yes. And you might just need to push through a little bit of fear, right, to just say, look, this is a beautiful opportunity. It might be a drag, it's going to take up your entire day, but it's new and exciting and who knows what will happen? Go with the adventure. So really dropping in again without judgment and without an agenda, because if you're not doing something based on fear, that's a whole different package of self talk that you can engage in self inquiry. What is it you fear? How true is it? What would it be like if we just did it? How much of this is impostor syndrome? How much of this is real? And then you can usually work through that fear at some point and be gentle with yourself. If you decide you're not ready yet, maybe the next time I'll do it. Okay.

[34:58] Karin: I love that because I think it could be really easy for us to say, oh, my body. I checked in with myself and my body said no. So the answer is no. And we can really end up using that as an avoidance technique so that we don't do the hard things and we don't grow. But I love your self inquiry approach so that we dig a little deeper to look at what's underneath that. What is underneath that? No.

[35:28] Rachel: Yeah, absolutely. And again, I can't stress enough without judgment because the first thing we think is, oh, well, I don't want to not do it because I'm afraid that makes me a loser. Right. Judge, judge, judge, judge. If we throw all that away and we just have a conversation with ourself, then we can actually come to a decision a lot quicker.

[35:49] Karin: So we've been talking a lot about the self development piece and how we grow, but we haven't talked yet about more the relational piece and that connection with others. So I'm curious, what are some of the problems that you're seeing people struggle with and how you might help them with those issues?

[36:10] Rachel: Yeah, well, we live in a world with others, and so a lot of the conflicts that we have are relational conflicts. And again, this comes back to, how do I show up in a relationship? How do I show up? And again, I don't necessarily mean a romantic relationship, but a relationship with family or friends or colleagues or whatever. So some of the issues that can come up is people pleasing. Like, let me just make sure everybody else is okay, and then I'll be okay, as opposed to let me make sure I'm okay, and everybody else can sort themselves out, because that's not my concern. You know what I mean? Right. And again, that has a lot to do with having a strong foundation of self where you're able to know that the decision you make for yourself is right for you, and you're making it from a clean and clear place, not trying to harm anyone and not trying to. Certainly not harming yourself. So, yeah, people pleasing, a lot of resentments from past wounds particularly. I deal a lot in my practice with women and their mothers. There's a lot of conflict around there, whether it's intergenerational or it's just different styles of communication. Right. Again, when we talk about compassion, when we talk about non-judgment, we're also talking about non judgment. Of others. So what would it be like to just let your mother, whatever it is, do the thing that she likes to do that you find abhorrent, whatever it is, as long as it's not in your way. So, for example, like, just working with someone whose mother, he was saying that she copies him if they go out to eat. She orders what he orders. It drives him up a wall. I said, well, infuriated. He's infuriated by this. And so we were talking a little bit about his history with his mother, and was she there for him as a child? Which she was not necessarily caught up in her own stuff. But now why is she so obsessed with pleasing me or doing things for me? And over the years, he had become kind of standoffish with his mom, loves his mother, but a little bit standoffish. And when he did have an opportunity to be with her, we collaboratively realized that this was her way to connect to him in the only way she could, because she couldn't sit down and just have a chat with him because he was so bristly from all the past resentment and pain. Right? So her way to bond with him was to order the same dish. Like, look at us doing things together, right? That was her way. And then he could have a little more compassion and understand it a little bit better. So that's an example, too. So I guess it's not just women and their mothers. It was men with their mums, too, and sometimes their dads.

[39:51] Karin:: Women who are in midlife, are there some themes that you are seeing come up for them specifically that might be different for other groups of people?

[40:01] Rachel: Yeah. So I do work with women in midlife as a sort of subset of this foundation of self work. What's different for women in midlife is that oftentimes they have what looks to be an established life, family, whatever that might look like for them, career. And they've got 40, 50, 60 years of experience under their belt. And then they look around and go, now what? Why am I feeling the clock is ticking on my life and I feel so lost? I've got all these things. I've spent my life creating this life, and it's really not satisfying. And what's different for women, and frankly, men, but specifically for women in midlife, is that we are being called to service. We're being called to mentorship. This is why I say it's a subset of the larger work, is it's no longer about our accomplishments. I'm saying our. Because I'm a woman in midlife but it's no longer about the accomplishments. It's about taking those accomplishments, crafting them into wisdom, and sharing that wisdom with younger generations, because that's the thing at this point that we are called to do. So when we look at psychology, Eric Erickson's stages of development, we're in stage seven at this point, which is stagnation versus generativity. We can either stay stuck where we are and then wait to die, or we can be generative. And the way that I translate the word generative is to give back, is to create more helpful lives, to contribute to something larger than ourselves. And that's a really important aspect. So when I work with women in midlife and they begin to shift and start to see, like, not only is it important for me to have done all the things that I've done, because experience is not wisdom. Experience needs to be translated into wisdom. We have to understand the lessons of our experience so that we can translate it into wisdom and then share it. Right. And at this age, we are being called to do that. Now, the problem for women in midlife is that most of the time, we are also dealing with perimenopause, which is a pain in the butt.

[42:52] Karin: You read my mind.

[42:55] Rachel: So, meanwhile, while we are stepping into this beautiful phase of our life, we feel like crap. We're psychotic, we're sweaty, we're hot, everything hurts, and our periods are wonky, and we're hemorrhaging every three weeks, and we are not feeling very sexy, needless to say. And we're not feeling very vital. So to kind of push through that, and this is, again, why non judgment and self compassion are so important, is to say, yeah, I am in transition. I'm cocooning right now, and what am I doing? So this is a great thing for women to do in midlife while they are cocooning into and becoming this butterfly of the menopausal or postmenopausal being, stepping into eldership, which is gorgeous, this is the time to be transferring and doing the work of your life experience into wisdom and begin to share it. Just get into the practice of doing that so that you can be a proper elder. And I promise you, because now I'm done. I'm menopausal. It's so beautiful on this side, right? All of the brain fog is gone. It's cleared the hormonal ups and downs and energetically, we're no longer bleeding our energy out every month. We are retaining it. The indigenous peoples call it wiseblood. For that reason, when we enter this phase of our life. We are literally holding in this life force that was once there for the birthing of babies, and now it's nourishing us. Right? So it's a beautiful time for women if we would just never look at social media again.

[45:02] Karin: Oh, my gosh, I love it.

[45:06] Rachel: Indeed.

[45:08] Karin: And I see so many women struggling at this point because maybe a relationship is falling apart or they're realizing that they want to take their life in a different direction, or they're trying to make sense of what has happened to them. And yet I also see that as, like you said, kind of a cocooning, a transformation process where they can emerge from the other side with so much wisdom and realizing that they have done so many great things with their lives, and now they can enjoy it.

[45:49] Rachel: Yeah, and enjoy it. And share it. Right. Because, again, back to what we were saying at the beginning. When you are centered in yourself, when you are accepting of yourself and you are your own best friend, that's infectious, man. Like, go ride a bus and people are going to gravitate to you. You know, when you've been around somebody who's grounded and centered in themselves, it's just lovely to be around. It's like walking out into the sunshine. Right? That's no pressure. We're not always sunshiny, but even when you're having a bad day, and I can speak from experience, even if you're having a bad day, the core of your being is still there. We're all allowed to have bad days. We're all allowed to feel down now and again. Of course, that's what it means to be fully human. Thank goodness we get to have the full range of emotions. That's a lovely human thing. But I'm talking about your overall being. Right. And so, yeah, to be centered in who you are. And I don't mean, like, in people's face about it, because I've seen that, particularly for women in midlife. But that's just a show. That's a show of screw everybody else, I'm fabulous. And when you have to broadcast it that way, to me, that's usually, like, there's some work that probably still needs to be done, but that is not, my God bless, have a wonderful life doing that. Whatever works for you. But what I'm saying is you don't have to go through acrobatics in order to share your gifts with the world. That can be energetic as well as, say, occupational.

[47:39] Karin: Yeah. What that brings up for me is if someone's needing to broadcast that, there's still a need that they're trying to fill.

[47:46] Rachel: Yeah. The small s. Self needs food.

[47:52] Karin: Right. And so that kind of brings us full circle. Came back to that self-work, that self development, that becoming or realizing that you are whole and claiming all those parts of yourself.

[48:08] Rachel: Yeah, absolutely. And as you can see with this offshoot, say, of women in midlife, there's a very specific flavor that that work takes on. And if I'm working with, let's say, the queer community, it's a different flavor that that takes on. And so those are just two examples. How do you step into your true self, and how do you make sure that you are an agent of goodness in the world? I very much hesitate to say positivity, because we're not always positive, and we don't have to be always positive. How can we be authentic in the world? And clear seeing and clear thinking, clear feeling. Yeah.

[49:00] Karin: If there's one thing that you'd like people to walk away with after listening to this conversation, what would it be?

[49:09] Rachel: I would love for people to really know how powerful they are. Right. That it may seem that we are nothing in the grand scheme of things, in the cosmos. How tiny our planet is in the solar system, of many solar systems, and yet we're this tiny, one little person on that tiny little planet. And how insignificant we often feel. However, because this is a web of energy, who you are plays a huge part in the collective and the way that we interact with one another. And I'll just give you a brief example, is if you are in line at the grocery store and you've waited a long time, but you're centered in yourself, and you're not pissed off or whatever, and you have a chat with the person ahead of you while you're waiting, and you make that person smile, that changes their energy. And then, in turn, when somebody steals their cart in the shopping, in the parking lot, they may not react in a negative way. They may be, look, that's okay. No problem. And that can spread. The person who might have stolen their cart goes, I wasn't even thinking. I'm so sorry. And their energy changes, and you have no idea this is happening in the parking lot. So that's how powerful you are. One little thing that you can do just by being who you are, can ripple out and affect so many people in whatever way you determine. Wow, that's a lot of power, right? Yeah. So don't forget that. And that you're vital. You're important.

[51:06] Karin: Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, that reminds me, puts that metaphor about, or the story about the butterfly that beats its wings and affects the weather patterns of the entire world?

[51:19] Rachel: Yeah, well, there's a reason for that. And if a butterfly can do it, well, a human being certainly can as well.

[51:29] Karin: So what role does love play in the work that you do?

[51:34] Rachel: Well, it's all of it. It's the question and the answer. Love is the motivating force for all, I believe. And I don't mean that in a new-agey way. I mean that love is. When we talk about self acceptance, compassion, awareness, trust, all of that stems from love. The act of creation is love. The act of destruction is love. It is the belief that we are all taking part in this thing, this huge organism of being together, which I find extremely loving. Now, that's the meta version. But one on one with my clients or one on one or in a group with students, there's a lot of love and a lot of playfulness. We don't often get the kind of love that we want as children, and so we have to create that for ourselves. I do my best to bring that to sessions and also into classes as well. And what I notice is that when I'm working with groups, they're starting to generate more love amongst each other and then naturally for themselves. So it's a huge, huge part of pretty much everything I do, and I love what I do. So that's infused in everything that I do as well.

[53:15] Karin: Thank you for sharing. I love that. So how can people learn more about you?

[53:21] Rachel: Well, probably the easiest way is to go to my website, which is rachelastartetherapy.com, or if you don't want to remember my name, that way you can also go to myselfpath.com. Myselfpath.com takes you to the same place. It's easier for people to remember myself path. And I'm on social media too, so you can follow me on Instagram, which is Rachelastarte therapy. Same for Facebook. Any variation of Rachel Astarte, you'll find me on all the major. Yeah, great.

[53:59] Karin: And I'll put that in the show notes as well.

[54:01] Rachel: So thank you. Yeah.

[54:03] Karin: Rachel, thank you so much for being here with me and having this conversation. I think we touched on some really important things for people to think about.

[54:11] Rachel: Thank you so much, Karin. It was delightful. What a great conversation.

Outro:

[54:16] Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you liked the show and think others would enjoy it, I'd really appreciate it if you left me a review. You can also sign up for my weekly newsletter where you'll get tips about relationships and personal growth by going to my website, drcalde.com. That's drcalde.com. I make it easy to sign up and easy to cancel at any time. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today, because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be love. The best way to be love is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.