Stop Blaming Your Partner

Laura How

In my work with couples, it is common to see each person attributing the cause of their unhappiness to their partner. One partner will insist they would be happy if only the other would just sort themselves out and become a better person.

Part of my work involves helping the couple to consider what they each might be bringing to the relationship that is causing harm. He might need to honestly acknowledge his tendency to avoid conflict and withdraw when things get uncomfortable. He might benefit from considering that this could be because he was brought up by a family that never talked about feelings. She might need to learn not to criticise or sulk when she feels uncared for and to recognise that some of these feelings might have been caused by her relationship with her father who was often unavailable.

Ultimately, we need to develop positive feelings towards our partners, which is difficult if our complaints about them are not balanced by some real awareness of our own shortcomings.