S3 E6: The Impact of Grooming and Psychological Control with Mike Koplinka-Loehr

Unspoken: Conversations with Candace

How can we break the cycle of sexual abuse in the church and create a safe environment for children to worship and grow without fear of being victimized? Candace is joined by co-host Neil and guest speaker Mike Koplinka-Loehr to shed light on the challenges faced by male survivors of sexual abuse in the church. Mike, who is starting the Healing Resource Institute for Victim Empowerment, shares his gripping story of being abused by three different perpetrators, including a family friend, a priest, and a Boy Scout leader who was also his coach. Mike talks about his processing of the traumatic events and how he still relives those memories on a daily basis, even in mundane moments. His hope is that sharing his story will prevent future abuse and educate the public about the impacts of sexual abuse.

He discusses the concept of grooming in sexual abuse and explains how it is a psychological process that brings the victim under the perpetrator's control. Candace also talks about her own experience of being abused, the conditioning aspect of grooming and how it can make the perpetrator seem like a friend or father figure. The discussion highlights the long-term impact of abuse and the challenges survivors face when sharing their stories. Neil and Mike both point out the difficulty in forgiving oneself and the need for deep healing and processing to occur.

The group also discusses the book "Evicting the Perpetrator," which examines the psychological effects of abuse and highlights the need for deep healing and mental health support for survivors of abuse. Neil also emphasize the stigma that still surrounds male survivors of abuse and the difficulty of sharing one's story. Mike shares his journey of forgiveness and the challenges he faces in forgiving some perpetrators.

The episode highlights the importance of education and prevention to ensure that abuse does not happen to future generations. The need for advocacy and the power of sharing one's story to build community and promote healing.

Episode Highlights

07:49 - If I had one thing to convey today, I'm 65 and it's a lifelong impact. That's a message I hope everyone listening and they can share with people in their lives can understand. This is always present. I think I may have mentioned earlier, even as a 65 year old, if I go pee, if I am changing, I am reliving some of those images. I'm reliving some of those memories of the association. So it's with me. Those things happen daily, and yet I can still learn from them. I can still give back in a certain way. Unfortunately, it's not a very uplifting story, but I was abused by three different perpetrators. One was a priest that spanned about nine years. One was a Boy Scout leader who was also a coach that spanned about seven years. And the third was a family friend, which is a shorter period of time, but there was 13 years total.

15:46 - Grooming is more of a psychological process, bringing you under their spell and getting the family involved and all that, so that various people in your life are ascending to say, "Oh, it's fine for this priest to pick up Mike." It's more of a psychological condition you're under.

31:14 - Nobody really wants to hear this stuff, but it's real. People need to know that it happens. They need to know that it happens to men. You need to know that there are ways to prevent it. And we can heal in community.
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