#21 - Is it Secret or Private? How to Practice Honesty with Boundaries

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

For most of us, the line between secrecy and privacy can get blurry. If you’ve ever wondered whether something is secret or private, you’re in good company! Most people struggle to tell the difference. Fortunately, there are three simple questions you can ask yourself to determine whether something is secret or private, whether it’s your own information or information someone else has withheld from you.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #21:

• Secret information is intentionally withheld for the purpose of avoiding consequences. In contrast, private information is intentionally withheld for the purpose of creating safety, or protecting yourself or another person.
• Depending on who you’re talking to, almost any of your own personal information is private. In general, the closer a person is to you, the more of your private information you will choose to share.
• Most of us tend to default toward one end of the continuum or the other. We're either prone to withholding information that should be shared with another person, or we believe others have a right to too much of our private information.
• These three questions will help you figure out whether something is secret or private: 1) Have I disclosed the information to anyone else, or would I be willing to? 2) Have I lied or omitted data to conceal the information that I'm withholding? or 3) Do I feel guilt or shame about the information that I'm withholding?

Highlights from Episode #21:

• Vicki offers a quick refresher on the primary types of boundaries, and introduces the topic of today’s episode. [01:10]
• We hear about the definitions of secret versus private. [03:08]
• Vicki offers some examples of private information that you might choose to withhold. [07:53]
• Most of us default to one side or the other of the continuum of sharing information, Vicki explains. [11:17]
• How can you figure out whether a piece of information you have is secret or private? Vicki provides three questions that can help you answer this question. [15:58]
• Vicki points out that it can be scary or challenging to share private information that someone else has a right to know, and gives an example about the importance of honesty. [21:19]
• Vicki gives advice on what to do if you’re holding a secret. [28:31]
• We hear a recap of today’s major points and some closing words of wisdom. [31:37]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier