Honoring The Anger

Jo & JJ Go Mental

This week, Jo and J.J. revisit a few months back during the time of the election to check on one of the most judged and misunderstood emotions — anger. They discuss why doing the deep work of anger is like wading through that infamous tunnel scene in The Shawshank Redemption, how anger signals that our boundaries are being crossed, and how letting go of anger needs to be a conscious choice. They also talk about how to process anger if you can’t really act on it right then and there, and why women have such a tougher time showing anger in public. Jo shares a story from her previous work that blows J.J. away and displays how women often stand up for each other before they stand up for their own needs.

Takeaway:

[3:11] J.J. discusses the Feels on Wheels program and reaching as many people as possible to help them own their emotions. When we can cultivate resilience to go through the tough emotions, we have powerful tools for getting through the tougher days.

[5:03] We want to aim for making decisions based on our values rather than fear. However, the first step is validating those emotions and observing when they bubble up. When we put words to our emotions, we allow ourselves to process them rather than having fear guide our choices.

[8:01] One of the strongest symptoms of burnout is emotional exhaustion. Leading up to that, there is often a lot of anger and fear that we are pushing down or distracting ourselves from, for many possible reasons including societal or family pressure.

[10:42] J.J. compares digging in and really doing anger work to the sewage tunnel in The Shawshank Redemption. When the character Andy is trying to escape from prison, he chooses to get into a sewer to navigate towards freedom. Anger work often gets worse before it gets better because you are stirring up many repressed feelings. Choosing to get into therapy or emotional intelligence work is choosing to enter, going through the nasty shit tunnel, but knowing it is so much better on the other side.

[12:33] Panic attacks and anxiety disorders are often the result of stuffed anger. Jo brings up that anger repressed may also lead to OCD behaviors and the need to control everything and be perfect.

[13:44] Women, especially Black or BIPOC women, are made to feel hysterical or out of control about their emotions while society makes it okay for men to act out their anger with little to no consequence. Anger is important because it signals to us that boundaries are being crossed, and it can be a safety issue that our gut is telling us to get out of a situation immediately.

[15:20] You may choose based on your values not to express the anger, however, it will back up on you if you don’t even admit to yourself that you feel it. Jo shares an instance where she stood up for other women before she did for herself. A Senior Male colleague made a sexist remark and J.J. not only wishes she was there to rip him to shreds but points out that it is a typical woman thing to come to other people’s defenses before their own.

[23:13] Why aren’t we better at defending each other? There is still much sexism and brainwashing in our society both in our personal and professional lives. It’s visible in the media when different commentators on the same debate chastise women for standing up for themselves, not saying enough, or having too much/too little confidence.

[25:48] J.J. talks about senior men trying to gaslight her in meetings by saying the exact same point she just made moments later and claiming the thought as their own, trying to take the credit. She blatantly points it out, and while not everyone can do that, we can have the tools to learn how to validate and process it.

[27:07] If we choose not to act on anger, we still have to process it somehow. However, if you choose not to act but ruminate later, that is the indicator that you probably gave into fear at some point.

[31:03] We view anger with more judgement than other emotions such as fear or sadness. There is a lot of programming by society and family for us to not know how to process our anger in a healthy way, especially for women.

[38:13] Instead of acting from fear, you can do a D.E.A.R (describe, express, assert, reinforce) practice on the situation to get in touch with the emotions and let them move through so you act with more groundedness and clarity.

Tweetables:

• “It’s an interesting thing making choices that align with your values, even when you don’t feel like it.” - J.J.
• “People talk themselves out of validating their anger because they have judgement on what anger means.” - J.J.
• “The first step to letting go of anger is validating it.” - Jo

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Joanna Denton | Dr. J.J. Kelly

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