#62 - How Over-Giving Damages Intimacy (Women’s Episode)

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

This first episode of the month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. We'll talk about over-giving and how it can damage intimacy in relationships between women and men. Vicki gives us 5 ways ways over-giving can damage intimacy. Tune in!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #62:

• Men and women are totally different animals, so to speak, so it's unhelpful to assume they see the world the same way.
• Almost 70% of women initiate divorce in heterosexual relationships.
• Women have a habit of over-giving, and that can cause resentments.
• Over-giving can cause a woman to feel like her partner's mother, which is definitely intimacy-destroying, especially in the bedroom.
• If you feel resentment about helping or giving, then don't do it.
• Listen for a direct, explicit question asking for help from your partner, rather than jumping in to assist.

Highlights from Episode #62:

• Welcome back to the show! Today’s episode is dedicated to women and boundaries — specifically how over-giving sabotages intimacy in relationships with men. [01:14]
• Vicki clarifies she's speaking primarily about heterosexual relationships but gay and lesbian relationships may be impacted in similar ways, depending on the masculine/feminine polarity in their relationship. [01:30]
• In the simplest terms, boundaries are about staying on your side of the street. [01:52]
• Have you ever gone further than you intended to go when helping someone? [02:29]
• In relationships women tend to want to be heard [04:31]
• There is a clear gender difference in terms of who initiates couples therapy and even divorce. [06:35]
• A 2009 - 2015 study showed that almost 70% of women in heterosexual relationships initiated divorce. [07:15]
• When women give advice to a man, it can damage intimacy. [09:04]
• A man will tend to look for ways to be a hero to the woman he loves. [09:46]
• Women have a habit of over-giving, and when they do they wind up with resentments. [14:24]
• If a man feels like he can never please you or get it right, he may withdraw or put up walls. [16:23]
• When your husband perceives you as a mother, that can definitely cause intimacy issues. [18:44]
• Vicki says instead of over-giving you can pay attention to your self care, and don’t give or help unless you can do so without a cost to you. [20:43]
• Notice your thoughts when you are tempted to give or help — if you feel resentful you probably should decline giving help. [21:59]
• Look for a direct or explicit question to determine if your male partner truly wants your help. [25:24]
• Go back and listen to episodes 34 and 45 about over giving if you would like more information on this topic. [26:59]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray
• Cajun Navy
• Episode 34 - Women, Choose Self-Care Over Self-Sacrifice
• Episode 45 - 5 Signs You May Be Over Giving