#11: Getting Your Needs Met (Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

This episode covers Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you’re tuning in for the first time, I recommend going back to last week’s episode to work through Step 1 before you dive into this show! Step 2 is all about identifying your needs and creating a vision for the outcome you want, so that you can get your needs met. It’s important to remember that the outcome you envision needs to be specific, measurable, and clear.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11:

• If you aren’t aware of what your needs are, or you're unclear on what outcome you want, it will be very difficult to get where you want to go, and you won’t be able to create a solution or boundary that meet your needs.
• A need is a quality or condition that is necessary or required. A common need in a relationship, for example, is honesty. If you feel discomfort, negative feelings, or pain, it could be a sign that you have a need that isn’t being met.
• The needs continuum runs from someone being anti-dependent, or needless and wantless on one extreme, to being too needy or too dependent on the other extreme.
• Healthy interdependence involves being open to asking for help when you need it, willing to give help when it’s asked for, and aware of what your own responsibilities are.

Highlights from Episode #11:

• Today’s episode will cover identifying your needs and getting them met. [01:26]
• Vicki takes a moment to define what needs are. [03:14]
• Neglect in childhood can cause problems for people in adulthood knowing their needs and getting them met. An example of parents being neglectful in meeting a child’s needs is not taking their child to the doctor or the dentist. [06:22]
• Ideally, in close interpersonal relationships, both people are interdependent rather than being on either end of the needs continuum. [10:25]
• Vicki explores the needs continuum in more depth, explaining what the extreme on either end looks like. [13:23]
• We learn more about what interdependence in healthy, functional relationships looks like. - [18:57]
• The first part of Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution is to identify the unmet needs that you have with regard to the situation. Once you identify your needs, you can create a clear, specific, and measurable vision of an outcome. [24:00]
• Vicki gives an example of a vague outcome that isn’t specific and measurable. [27:24]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Abraham Maslow
• Maslow’s hierarchy of needs
• Needs Inventory from The Center for Nonviolent Communication