Struggling to respect your partner.

Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

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I used to kind of go off on Dan when I thought his kid was being kinda shitty to him & taking advantage of his generosity. And he’d just let her get away with it. UGH.

Dan's sweetness & generosity of spirit are qualities I LOVE about him, so I get a little wild when anyone plays him for a sucker. (By “anyone” I mostly mean his kid and his ex.) And then I end up mad at him because I think he should have better boundaries and more self-respect.

Many stepparents have asked me how they can keep respecting their partners when they — like Dan — let their kids boss them around, bend over backwards for the ex who treats them like garbage, etc. How do you respect your partner when they don’t seem to respect themselves? This is a question I’ve struggled with too.

What I’ve come to realize is that it isn't that Dan doesn't respect himself. It's that he leads with love. He gets that his daughter is dealing with way more emotional baggage than he or I could ever imagine. So if Dan’s kid is taking some of that frustration out on him, he responds with love and non-judgement because he doesn't want her stuck in the middle of 2 angry parents —1 angry parent is already way too many.

Dan is also still healing from an emotionally abusive marriage, followed by a decade of equally traumatic court battles & high conflict co-parenting; the way he responds isn’t always aligned with my expectations for what constitutes a normative response.

So I take a deep breath and check my frustration. I remind myself that this is a man who always, always takes the high road and the path of love, and I would do better to learn from him instead of judge him.

And that is how I keep respecting my gentle-hearted husband.

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