Jospeh Down Under

The Bible Goes West's podcast

The Bible Goes West, By J.E. Tucker

Genesis 20

Joseph Down Under

1 So Joseph, one of the few to survive the destruction caused by Jacob and Esau’s feud, needed work.

2 With the patriarchs of his family dead, Joseph had to find his own money. All he had was a multi-colored rifle and the ability to shoot a bullet far. One time he had sent lead 900 yards hitting a wolf stalking his cattle.

3 In a frontier town in the west of the country, Joseph found a poster requesting hands in Australia.

4 He returned the poster, signed J., punctuated with three close bullet holes, and got on a boat for the land to the south.

5 The trip was long but Joseph entertained the sailors with amazing long shots on jumping fish. It was the best fun the sailors had since that manatee pleasured them all.

6 Joseph arrived in Australia on a hottest day of the year. Everyone was pissed, sweaty, and the air smelled like a slaughterhouse.

7 In the small town of Sydney, Joseph was to meet with his employer. He decided to head to the saloon and have a nice beverage.

8 After a nice warm beer, Joseph noticed a scuffle happening outside. Three men were harassing a lady, with a nice BLTwhich Joseph thought was mighty fine.

9 The three men grabbed at the woman, restricting her arms and legs. They lifted her off the ground and toward a carriage. They were mere feet from the door of the carriage when Joseph hit the biggest one with the butt of his rifle.

10 The large man dropped to the ground and the other two were not strong enough to hold up the woman they falsely claimed. She fell to the ground and released a long string of expletives.

11 The two men still conscious picked up their large friend and left in the carriage. The driver screaming, We see you again and trouble will be had.

12 He then released a number of threats from his lips. His passion so great he did not notice the low hanging branch which clocked him in the back of the head.

13 Joseph went to the attractive big bottom lady and helped her up. She thanked him

14 She said, My name is Asenath and I appreciate your help. Let me buy you a drink. I owe you a great favor.

15 Joseph agreed. Asenath told Joseph her tale; of the massacre at her family farm and her mission of revenge against all evil land owners.

16 Around dusk, the men Joseph was to meet entered the saloon. They moved to joseph and grabbed his attention.

17 One said, You Joseph? Let’s get going. We have a two hour ride ahead of us.

18 The other said, Who is her? You said you work alone.

19 Asenath jumped in, I owe him a debt. Worry not who I am, for I protect your employee is all.

20 The two men were confused but too tired and not paid enough to worry the change of details. They got on their horses and rode to their employer’s ranch.

21 On the biggest ranch in Australia, Joseph and Asenath met the greatest landowner down under, Pharaoh.

22 Pharaoh said to Joseph, I am in need on a man with your skill. The Aboriginal people have annoyed me for the last time. I need you to kill them all so I may take their land.

23 Joseph replied, I know I am a sharpshooter but I will not kill people so you can have more land. You have more than you can farm.

24 Joseph was so enraged by Pharaoh’s request he gave him the Cleveland toss out of his own house.

25 Joseph then said, How do you like it? Now I own your house. How does that feel?

26 Joseph’s question was punctuated by a frying pan to his head from Pharaoh’s Aborigine man servant.

27 The Servant quickly brought the cooking utensil to Asenath’s dome as well. Once on the ground the hands of Pharaoh descended upon the two. Many fists and boots knocked them out cold.

28 Pharaoh’s laugh the last thing they heard.

29 Asenath was the first to wake. The bright sun illuminated the desert landscape around them. She woke Joseph.

30 The two found themselves with only their clothes and weapons. No water, no compass, no map. They walked.

31 Within hours the heat dried the water from their bodies. Joseph was the first to collapse. Asenath then carried him for as long as she could. She collapsed next to a tall prickly pear cacti.

32 On the other side of the cacti, an aborigine man was napping. When Asenath hit the ground, he jumped up startled hitting his head against the strong cacti arm. After cursing his luck, he brought Joseph and Asenath to his tribe.

33 There Joseph and Asenath learned of the people and their land; how Pharaoh wanted to mine the great mountain for gold and enslave the tribes.

34 Joseph saw that the native people were good and pledged his gun to their cause. A large feast was had with Joseph and Asenath dancing drunk into the night.

35 The next morning Joseph woke to the screams of women and children as Pharaoh’s hands pillaged the camp.

36 One Aborigine, forced to the ground, said to Joseph, get up whitey!

37 Joseph grabbed his gun. He shot the two men forcing the aborigine down and moved on to all who trespass against his host.

38 As dawn rose, The body count was high. Many aborigine lay dead; but just as many of Pharaoh’s hands joined them in hell.

39 Asenath was caring for a baby found amongst the dead. Joseph said, I am going to town to buy ammo. The End is Nigh.

40 Asenath replied, good. Get me double what you get. My anger is great.

41 Asenath returned to caring for the child. Joseph rode into town. He bought every last bullet the gunsmith made. Revenge was nigh.

42 Not but a step outside the smith’s door did Joseph see four of Pharaoh’s men. He loaded his rifle and went to work.

43 One by one, Joseph gun down Pharaoh’s hands from long distance, not giving them any chance to draw their weapons.

44 Joseph told the nearest citizen of the town, Tell the undertaker there are four on the floor and more on their way. It will be a good day for him.

45 Joseph rode back to Asenath. She had just protected the child from an assault of baby-loving Dingos. Joseph commended her grit and threw three boxes of lead at her feet. He said, It begins.

46 The two rode to pharaoh’s ranch. They killed the guards on the outskirts of town, then moved into the interior of the ranch.

47 At the big house, Asenath shot a guard by the front door. Joseph moved up but on the poach he took a bullet from a hand he never saw to the left. Joseph’s misstep distracted Asenath.

48 Pharaoh’s two sons, Bobo and JoJak, moved on the two avengers and they were captured Joseph and his partner.

49 They were brought before Pharaoh and stripped of their rifles. Pharaoh said, You caused me many problems. I’ve lost more men in one night than my entire time on the range.

50 I’ve noticed you two only use rifles, like yellow bellies. Let me teach you how to quick draw, like someone with courage.

51 Two handguns were thrown at their feet. They picked them up and equipped the holsters. Bobo and JoJak went to Pharaoh’s sided, Joseph and Asenath counted ten paces away from their opponents.

52 Pharaoh placed a musical watch from his pocket and cranked the tiny music player. The song played.

53 Joseph stared down Pharaoh. Asenath met eyes with Bobo and JoJak. The song Continued.

54 They shot at the music’s end.

55 Smoke filled the air. As the ghostly clouds vanished Pharaoh and his two hands were left standing; as were Joseph and Asenath. Everyone had missed.

56 Pharaoh said, I see. He looked to see the bullet holes behind him. Maybe we just go our separate ways. I’ll promise not to do no evil and let you all live in my land free.

57 Joseph replied, heart pounding, Yes. That seems like a good idea. Sorry for the trouble. “If I see you around my ranch I’ll gun you down” Ha ha ha. No, I’m just joking.

58 So went how the Clan of Joseph and Asenath arrived in Australia. Their lives blessed by the Judge for Generations.