Traumatic Childbirths X 3

The Lifeatarian

Topics Discussed and Key Points:

● Monique’s challenges in raising 3 special needs children ● Dealing with the world around you when raising special needs children ● The importance of taking time for yourself

● Lightening up in the face of adversity

● Loving your kids in spite of all the challenges

● How to ask for help when dealing with special needs children Episode Summary: In this episode, Monique shares her difficult experiences with childbirth, including the grieving the loss of the children that she had hoped for so that she could learn to love the children that she actually had. Her children were born with disabilities, two of which, Tai and Devon, with cerebral palsy. Her third child, Al’Mir, was intubated for a long period following his birth, and remained on oxygen for a while thereafter, living at the NICU until he was five and a half months old. Monique recounts these experiences knowing that they are occurrences that most moms thankfully never have to go through. Monique never got to take any of her newborn children home immediately upon her discharge from the hospital and they remained completely dependent on their parents for the duration of their lives. Her children never had the usual milestones—raising their heads, crawling, walking, etc. These unfortunate experiences caused Monique to ask some tough questions of herself: Why did this happen to me? Is there something wrong with me? She has no history with drug abuse or heavy drinking. She lived a healthy lifestyle and prepared well for the birth of her children. Why were her children born the way they were? Monique can’t answer the whys and hows around her situation. Instead, she shares how she was able to move past her challenges, and her advice for other families going through similar circumstances. “These babies didn’t ask to come here. They didn’t ask you to be their parent. And they sure didn’t ask to come here with these disabilities that would separate them from most of the world and how it works.” The world can be a cruel place. What has kept Monique going after over three decades dealing with these challenges is her love for her children—disabilities and all. Monique points out that the “system” is broken, and so it takes an extraordinary amount of patience and extra planning to provide for your special needs children. But in spite of it all: “It is what it is.” Monique shares four pieces of advice: 1) You must take time for yourself. Parents feel understandably guilty if they leave their disabled children for even just a few minutes. But what good is your ability to care for them if you can’t even take care of yourself? You will implode if you don’t give yourself space to destress and refresh. 2) Don’t take yourself so seriously. When you’re working almost to exhaustion, you need to learn to laugh at yourself. You’ll never be the perfect parent to your special needs children. 3) Your kids want you to know that they’re just kids. This means that they simply want to be loved and nurtured. 4) Learn to ask for help. If you don’t have a lot of family to reach out to, don’t be afraid to contact your local agencies. Of these, Monique references United Cerebral Palsy, the Easter Seals Society, the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, and the National Autism Association. Find a support network as well if you can. It may be hard to ask for help; but it will make you realize that you aren’t alone in dealing with these issues. On the other hand, be the one to reach out to others who may need your help. In our introverted society, a single proactive, helping hand can make all the difference. Societal change starts with individuals connecting with other individuals, one by one. This evokes change through raising awareness of the conversations we need to have as a country.

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