Three times when you SHOULDN'T apologize to a Friend

Friend Forward

Not every apology is a good one. Honestly, a poor, half-hearted apology from a friend can feel worse than the harm that was caused. So why does it sometimes feel like apologizing isn’t enough? Let’s look at the context more closely. Whenever one wants to take ownership of the damage done to a friend an apology is owed. Even if there’s no interest in repairing the relationship, an apology is owed. It is an extension of a person's values to show accountability for the way their behaviors may have hurt another. In this episode, we clarify what makes a good apology, and three situations in which one should NOT apologize.

- You can book a private friendship coaching session here.

- Book Danielle Bayard Jackson -- friendship expert and educator-- to speak at your event.

- We save in-depth resources for our “group chat” members. Join today.

- To dive deeper into these topics and more, be on the lookout for Danielle Bayard Jackson’s book debut: "Fighting for Our Friendships" in the spring of 2024.

We often overlook the opportunity for connection with female friends through apologies. As the resident friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson sums it best, “If we all claim, ‘Hey, I want to be a better friend.’ Well, that starts with us.” So how do we make sure we’re getting the most potential to deepen our relationships, especially when going through a rough patch? Good apologies. One that uses the word apologize, acknowledges the harm done, and ends with intentions to repair and do better. Clear, intentional, and appropriately timed apologies, in the RIGHT situations. Here are some instances when an apology is not helpful.

Situation #1 – Repeat Offender (Apologizer)

Think about a time when a person apologized for their behavior – maybe always canceling plans or drinking too much when you all went out – but continued to do the same actions again and again. What does the apology have to offer if there’s no intention behind it to do better? What is a true friendship without trust and mutual respect? Repeatedly apologizing without any change in behavior starts to tear into the fabric of security and trust in a friend’s word, diminishing the respect they have for the other. Don’t apologize when the intention behind it is empty and untrue.

Situation #2 – Getting Back to the Good Part

If a friend is only apologizing to speed up the reconciliation process, they should not be saying sorry. Rushing through this moment to repair the harm one has caused a friend can be more unproductive than not apologizing at all. A person may want to quickly move forward and have their friend get over it because they are uncomfortable sitting in the hot seat. They may have an issue with being accountable, feeling threatened or called out, or responding to a heated conversation in a healthy way. Ultimately it can come across as dismissive of the friend’s feelings, and the integrity of the female friendship itself.

Situation #3 – Doing Too Much

This one’s for the people pleasers. When people find themselves apologizing for any instance that may leave room for another to be mad at them, there needs to be a moment to pause. Some friends offer an apology when there’s been no wrong-doing or offense. Heck, sometimes an apology may slip out towards someone who caused harm to the one apologizing. Over-apologizing in female friendship occurs when a woman wants to eliminate any possibility of her friends having issues or any negative emotions toward her. It can act as a buffer for having honest and maybe uncomfortable conversations that may ultimately deepen the friendship. If this resonates, you’ll love the episode People-Pleaser Friends with boundaries expert, Terry Cole.

And as food-for-thought, friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson shares some reflective homework – What is your relationship with apologizing to other people? Think about apologies in your life recently, in a friendship context of course. Whether you’re owed one or offered one that was unproductive, what are some ways in which we hold ourselves back from strengthening our relationships with other women? And don’t forget, #AskHerOutAlready is in full effect. We want to see those pictures and read the stories.